Saturday, September 25, 2010

im on my way back


me and my momma at charlies today..

i know i have been gone for a week now and thats not good..i felt so good on monday but then i seemed to slip up the rest of the week..i havent gotten started walking yet either and i need to so bad, or i am going to be so swollen i wont be able to walk again..

i know i am doing wrong here..i know i am not treating myself right..this is a choice and i take full responsibility for it..i have ruined this week myself...i want to get back on track and by doing that i have to stop eating the ice cream like i have been..not altogether but everyday yes...i need to stop with the pop..i cant let myself go as george strait sings she let herself go..yea i have and now i am feeling it..i am seeing it too..my chin is coming back at me and i hate that..

is drinking reg.pop so important to me that i end up killing myself..no its not..but i seem to think it is..i seem to put the food and pop way up there on the ladder and i shouldnt..yes we need to eat and drink but not so much we kill ourself..

i havent felt good all week and i am now out of work and looking for a job..so i am stressed but i cant let the stress get to me.i have to put it in a different catagory..it has to be separate...if i dont make it separate ..i will keep doing the same thing over and over again..i cant so that..but i do have to go to the doctor monday..im bleeding in my urine really bad so please pray for me..this has been happening all week long..so i havent felt well..

but i have to start walking again and drinking my water and really watching the calories..i noticed with myself today i didnt even think about how many calories i was having and that is so not good...

i am going to bed now..goodnight
enjoy your sunday..
kelli

Monday, September 20, 2010

i feel refreshed today..



me now and me before i ever started doing anything at 356..

i know i have been talking everyday like i wasnt sure of how to do this and i needed help..and i do need help..we all need help..but today i got up and i felt like a new energy had emerged inside me ..i feel refreshed and its something i hadnt felt in a long time..really not since i stopped walking..

i feel good ..i dont know exactly how i am going to do this but i do know i am taking it one hour at a time..all i can do..its a gift to be able to do this..to be given this chance to turn my health around..to be able to live before i die..i need to honor the chance that God has given me and do this not only for me but for God..He is the one who has allowed me to see that i have to do this or i will die and not by Gods choice..but my own..im killing me..we all are if we dont see it now and do something about it..we will eventually be put into a pine box and put under ..and that i dont want for a long time to come..sure i want to see my relatives but not til God says its time..

so today is a new day and i will rejoice in it and be glad i have it to deal with..
today i am not drinking pop..i got back on the water today..i am drinking it as i write..today i will walk ..and i will watch the calories and not watch them go down my throat but watch how many i put in my mouth..today is a new start to a great journey..thank you all for trying so hard to help me..i appreciate all of you..

enjoy the day..
kelli

Saturday, September 18, 2010

well its a day to day thing!

here iam sitting here at my snocone stand and being as bored as i can be without going crazy..and actually this has been a day where i didnt have the cravings for the snickers or the peanut butter cups..it didnt bother me that they were here..maybe i am getting over the craving..i hope so..

sean came to see me before the game today and was trying to explain things to me..all my friends have been trying to explain things..i know everyone means well..i have to do it again..i have to get up and get going and quit talking about doing it and just do it...i cant let it get so hard that i dread trying again..because it isnt hard..its just different..its a focus everyday on what i am going to be eating and how much water am i going to drink ..it takes effort to do it..and for some reason i just didnt want to put the effort in but i wanted to see results anyway..now tell me if that makes sense..lol

but i am going to try harder to put more of an effort out..because i dont want to end up in a wheelchair or bedridden because i ate myself to death..or death..i dont want that..i need to feel the freedom that sean feels everyday..i need to do this..

i didnt do well but i didnt do awful today either..i wasnt hungry today but i did end up eating the tacos that sean brought me..i didnt make the right choices before i came to work..i ended up getting a ice cream mix from braums before i got here..so i had already made a bad choice..but i have to do better..

tomorrow is another day and hopefully wont be like today was for me..
kelli

Thursday, September 16, 2010

im not sure why i am not trying as hard as i should!


i made this of my nephew sean today..he is amazing..going from 505 to 234 is a miricle..and God allowed him to do it..

i know the title sounds like a statement..and it is actually..its the main point for this blog tonight..im just not sure why iam not giving it my all..why am i staying at this weight and even gaining back up to 300..why arent i excited about losing and keep going..i keep thinking i will get right back on track and then i dont..and i talk about it everytime i write a blog..i feel like i am being a big talker and not a doer..

i dont like to just talk, i never have liked it when people just talked about what they were going to do all the time..i actually would rather just do and not talk about it at all..in fact it took me along time to start writing this blog because i just didnt think it would help me..why would writing my feelings down help me lose weight..well i think mentally it does help ..it helps me to understand where iam at in my mind, and what is going on to get me where i need to be..

tonight i just didnt walk..i made the choice to not do it and i didnt do it..i didnt drink my water and i didnt watch the calories..i am finding myself right back in the same boat i was before i started losing..i am seeing myself being stressed and my mentality is just i am not caring ..even though i do care it certainly looks like i dont by the way i am doing things right now..i guess i am just really stressed...

i have got to do this..i have to for me ..for my health..i cant just stop because i feel like it..this is a life or death situation for me..my walking is a life or death situation for me...so i will have to get this into my head that its not that hard..just walk and drink water and 1300 calories..thats all its really simple..so how come i cant see it as clearly as i did before..i need some help with this..i just cant do it by myself...

enjoy the night..
kelli

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

today is today..a new day for us all





well these are alot of the past family pictures..i had auburn hair when i was in my teens of course i colored it that way..but i wanted to be a model and this is one of my headshots back then..then we have amber and courtney when they were small..seans kids..and then me again after a few years..i was big and still am just not as big..
still a nice person though..

i haven't written in a few days..i have been busy working and busy visiting with my friends..last night i went through my old pictures and found tons of them..so you will probably be seeing some on seans blog as well as mine..i keep these pictures for the memories of all our family..we dont need to dwell on the past but enjoy thinking back with fond memories of the past..of course in these pictures sean and i are both heavy and it will be fun to see what we look like slim..of course sean is finding out now what thats like and that is why he likes to see the pictures so much..

i know what he is going through there..he has changed his whole life and he likes to look back and see where he came from and how he got there..believe me he never used to like to take pictures..i fact my whole family was and is like that..but i like to preserve the memories for everyone..im a family photographer..an historian..

but i really wish it was as easy for me to lose weight as it is to take a picture..boy would i be small..hehe but i guess sometimes the things that are the hardest for us to do mean the most when we get them done..i know when i have all my weight off, this will be the biggest accomplishment in my life..second is getting my degree..2 big things and i am trying to make it happen at the same time..wow that will be a lot of pictures..lol

i am not sure why i have been putting off walking..i know walking makes me feel better and i know without it i will not lose the weight..i truly think you have to do all 3 together to lose ..you have to watch your calories and your carbs and you have to drink your water..and you have to exercise..whether your walking or do some cardio ..you have to do it..and you have to be consistent with it..if you want results you have to put the effort out there...so now why am i not doing this..?

i keep talking everyday that i am going to walk..i am going to drink my water and everyday i mess it up..i dont consistently do it at least right now im not..i know stress can play a major role in weightloss or weight gain..i know it has for me..right now i am trying to look for a full time job in an economy where the jobs are not around..i have 2 weeks to find a job ..it doesnt even matter to me now if its a good job or just a job..because in 2 weeks i will be out of a job and i know i will be more stressed than i am now...
i am doing pretty good being around these candy bars all day..at least i dont sit here and eat them all day long..boy that would make me sick..well i have had plenty of calories already because i did something i dont like ..i went and got a dr.pepper..to take with me to work..i knew i did something i wasnt supposed to do but there was the rebellion side coming out and in my own mind it was saying well if people like you they can like you fat..you dont have to do without all the stuff you enjoy just to please others...have we all heard that voice..the one we would like to slap everytime it opens its big trap..hehe

well i let it talk today and now i wish i hadnt..it added 400 calories to my food bank and i didnt want that...but now i know enough to not listen to it when it tries to tell me its okay ..because really im doing this for me and my health..and i need to do it..so that voice is going to have be on my side or else it just better be still..hehe

i am hoping i will walk tonight before i get off of work..i can walk in front of the stand and i think i will..it feels pretty good today so it wont be too hot..i am going to get some water down me too..i dont know how much but i am going to drink some..today is a good day mentally its a good day..and i am very aware of what i did wrong to mess my calories up so now i will just try and keep going and do the best i can for the rest of the day.

enjoy the evening
kelli

Saturday, September 11, 2010

i am making me strong...


i am at work right now and all day i have been sitting here looking at the candy bars..knowing i cant have any or i will be sick again..do you know how hard it is to look at candy bars knowing that..? its a tough thing to go through..really i will be so glad when we close for the year..even though i dont have another job right now..and really arent there temptations everywhere..i mean at school we have vending machines and the student union food court...wow thats a tempting place to be..

so to be honest about this ..its all in my mind..if i can control my mind and keep telling myself i dont need this candy..then maybe i can get past it all..at least thats what i am doing today..i am letting myself know i dont want to be sick again..i dont want the calories empty ones at that..there isnt any nutricious value to a candy bar..

i need some help drinking my water..for some reason i cant get back to the water..i am drinking diet coke which isnt going to let me lose anything..why is it that we cant lose weight on diet drinks..that just isnt fair..they take the good tastes away and then tell us it will help us lose and we end up gaining ..it doesnt sound right to me..

we are so dead right now at the stand..we have a football game right now and were losing but it just started..and so everyone is at the game...but not me..im here staring at candy bars and telling myself no..no..no...hehe i feel stronger today..im so glad..by the time we close for the year they wont even phase me...hehe

well i am gong to walk tonight when i get home..and try and get some water in..i have already had 1370 in calories...gonna be hard to not have anything else..

i guess we made it through this day..
enjoy the weekend..
kelli

Friday, September 10, 2010

well today i became stronger..


well i struggled and struggled today but i became stronger by the struggling i went through...i know that i dont have to have a candy bar..i dont have to be bored out of my mind and eat because its there..i found strength through my friends..relying on them to help me through the bad cravings..and even though i wasnt around them they were still helping me, because i knew that i had to be honest..so if i ate a candy bar i had to let them know it..and that would defeat the purpose for me ..i am trying so hard to become stronger with my cravings and getting past them..

my friend glen told me to go walk..so i did..at least i tried too..i was at work and had been there all day..i wasnt supposed to be there past 6 but one of the girls didnt show up and so i had to do it..not my idea of a fun friday night but it is what it is..

i hadnt gotten anything to eat so i was hungry ..its not a good thing to be hungry and be around candy..so i was being tempted..but i ended up overcoming it...i was so happy that i did...i really struggled with it today..and i know tomorrow may be the same way..but it will be another day to be a little stronger..i tried to go out and walk tonight at work..i went out and started to walk then i got a customer then i went again and i got a customer..i tried the last time and finally got to walk for 10 minutes before i got another customer..it was something...at least i got through the cravings and that was the important thing..

i ate 1300 calories right on the nose today but i didnt have any water..i didnt drink any reg.pop so that was good..im getting back on the right track..its just taking me a few days..

lets enjoy the weekend and pray for safety for tomorrow..
kelli

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

what am i doing to myself..?




its raining cats and dogs here today too..!

i just dont get it..i dont know why i get up wanting to do well and starting out good..and then by the end of the day i have done something to lose control of my focus..i dont know why..am i not wanting to get this off ? am i subconsciously not wanting to lose weight..? i sure hope not..cause i know on the outside i want too..consciously i need too, and i want too...i have so much support from my friends and my family..why do i keep doing this to myself..

i got up today and wanted to do good..i didnt have any sleep last night..i slept from 130 to 330 am and never again after that..i have jumpy legs and they hurt like everything especially at night and with this weather we are having it just keeps hurting..i wanted to walk this morning but it was raining and it hadnt stopped yet..were supposed to be getting 4 to 5 inches before the night is through...

but i got up and ate an atkins bar in fact i had two of them today..not a good start...but then we went to taco mayo and my sister and i ate the platter ..i know we didnt have an over abundance of calories in this but i did something i wish i hadnt done now..i got reg. pop in fact i got dr.pepper..not good..really not good.

look at all the empty calories i just had..thats why i say why do i keep doing this to myself..why am i making it so hard for myself to lose weight..? why cant i get my focus back..i want to lose this weight but it looks like i dont..and sometimes i wonder if i do..am i so scared that nothing is going to change when i lose the weight that i wont do it..am i scared of how big a change it will be..? am i just so hurt that people wont go out with me this way but boy wait til i lose weight and they will line up at the door..i dont think so but it could happen..hehe

is this the reason i am making it worse for myself...? i really dont know..i get up with good intentions and go to bed without my focus..something has got to change..

be safe..
kelli

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

well its day to day..


me in my cool hat..hehe

well today has been a day where i just had to take it one step at a time..i guess we have to do it that way every day..but i got up and weighed early this morning and i wasnt too surprised..but i wasnt liking it either..it wasnt what i wanted to see..i had gained 3 pounds back and i wasnt liking this..

i decided i had to get my focus back..i had to do something..i cant keep this up or i will be gaining all my weight back..i dont want that..so i decided if i couldnt walk tonight because it was supposed to rain but it didnt..so i said to myself..i have to workout..i have to walk or workout..one or the other..i had to get moving..i had too..i dont want to die early..i dont want to feel so overly fat that i cant move..or feel so awful that i end up with shortness of breath and not being able to walk..i dont want too...i really dont..

so i started out good..i started out focused and counting every calorie that i put in my mouth..i didnt drink my water though..for some reason i cant get started drinking it again..but i counted and did pretty good..i had around 1350 in calories..i was so happy..i did better than the last few days..

but i went to work today and had my grilled chicken go wraps..and then tonight the snickers bars kept calling my name..boy i wish my uncle hadnt put those candy bars over at my stand..they call my name every day..but i looked the other way and ate a piece of beef jerky instead..it was good..i decided i needed to go walk..so i went out and walked around the stand..a little boy kept watching me walk and looking at me like i was crazy..i was walking around in circles..but i didnt care..i felt good walking tonight..i did 20 minutes without stopping..whoohoo..it was fun..

so today i did better and i will continue to do better day by day..i have to take it one day at a time..thats all i have..so onto tomorrow and another better day..
lets all focus on the good stuff..
kelli

Monday, September 6, 2010

the weekend is over..



this is my cousin brittany and she makes all this jewelry..she is really good..

labor day is over now..were into september and hopefully cooler weather..i really cant wait..i love the fall and all the fall colors ..i enjoy walking in the fall..it is so much nicer outside..i have chosen to just not watch anything today..for some reason..i really dont know why but i did..

im not sure what is going on that i am not watching things clearly right now..but i am thinking about it and trying to figure it out for myself..i have been on my sisters computer all day trying to fix it and get it from freezing all the time..i didnt go walk tonight..i just dont know why..i want to do this but for some reason this weekend i just havent put my effort into it..

on saturday i went to see my cousins jewelry and she is making some new kind of jewelry which is really cool..its called the calorie counting bracelet and you wear it on your wrist and it has a charm that you can pick out..and you move it for every 50 to 100 calories ..you move it up from the heart in the middle..i have one and it does really help you focus on your calories..i was using it the other day and just kept moving it up..lol..i didnt like that but i was eating that much..
this is the link to it if you would like to look at it and maybe order some..they are very pretty and they would make really nice gifts for girls and women..www.CountOnMeJewelry.com, and www.BrittanysStore.com
both very nice websites..you know Christmas is coming up.. she is a very talented young lady even if she is my cousin..hehe
but go check her out..

i will do better this week..i know i cant keep thinking everything is going to be okay tomorrow unless i do something tomorrow which is today..and for some reason i just didnt have it in me to do it today..i hope i will feel better when i awake..

Saturday, September 4, 2010

well i made my choice today..




me and my mamma at cici's...and my cousins with their mamma..
brittany makes the jewelry..its very pretty..i will tell you all about it soon..

today was a day where we went and had different choices to make considering food..we started the day getting up late ..but its saturday so i guess its okay..well this is the day we were going to have hot dogs and popcorn and cotton candy at work..we had regular pop and all we were trying to do was get the snocone stand started like a re-grand opening...anyway i didnt have to work this whole weekend which isnt what i wanted but it was nice anyway..well we went to see the whole thing at the stand and get a hot dog..i wasnt going to get the pop..i think as a pop addict..i really need to keep myself completely away from pop..its too addictive and i cant afford the calories..

well i had 2 cans of pop..not something i needed to do but i did it anyway..i ended up with a hot dog..no cotton candy though..so that was good..but we then went to cici's pizza so we had pizza and brownies and i had salad..and i had regular pop..i had so many calories tonight i didnt even want to count them..it was my choice..i didnt have to eat the food..i didnt have to drink the pop..i didnt have to eat the hot dog..

i ate so much today i made myself sick..not good..really not good..but i am not going to do this tomorrow..i am not going to drink the pop tomorrow..i will not eat like a pig tomorrow..i really did too..i didnt eat tons..but i felt like it..

anyway i am going to walk tomorrow and drink my water tomorrow..i will do so much better tomorrow..i will not fall off tomorrow..and i didnt fall off tonight..i made the choice to do it..i knew what i was doing..i made my choice..thats it and now i am living with it..

i was going to walk tonight but it just got too late and too dark when we came home..so i will make myself walk tomorrow..

have a great day tomorrow and make good choices..i am going too..
enjoy the weekend..
kelli

Friday, September 3, 2010

well its been 6 months and im doing pretty good..


the beautiful lake i want to walk soon..

well i was just thinking as i was walking my mile and half tonight...i have actually been blogging for 6 months..in 6 months i have done pretty good..i have went from weighing 330 to weighing 296..and i have went from not being able to walk except by a cane and barely able to walk around the block to walking 2 and a half miles at a time..i have gone completely off the pop ..and thats a major thing for me...wow i tell ya getting off of dr.pepper is so much a victory..

i have gone from not drinking any water to drinking 72 ounces of water..everyday..at least most days..hehe..but i am doing so much better..this is such a big thing for me..i still havent kicked the fast food..but im working on it..i have learned and realized that its up to me to make good choices..its my choice everyday ..i can make good choices or bad choices..i can be healthy or i can die early..i have learned so much in 6 months..i have figured it out that i am responsible for me..for my actions and my decisions in life whether its about the things i eat and the exercise i get or if its about what i do in life..its up to me..good or bad..i go thru it ...

i have so much more to lose and so much more to learn..i just keep going until i cant go anymore..this is a lifestyle change..not a diet..its a mentality thing..its all in how much we want to change..if we want it bad enough..we will do our best to change..its all about our choices..

i think the most important thing i have learned is its about my choice..i make the choice to change my life ..i make the choice to do better..if i dont well then thats my choice too..but now i am going towards the next 6 months and i know i will be learning a whole lot more..right now i am going for my goal of 290 by the end of this month..i know i will get there..because its my choice to do better..and i am ..

this has been a fun day..we had our 4th of july fireworks tonight and they were pretty..we enjoyed them...i got in 1300 calories and i walked after the fireworks and did a mile and a half in 30 minutes..so i am pretty much on track for doing 3 miles an hour..i want to walk boomer lake so bad..but i want to be able to walk the whole 3 miles so i have to get better...

i still made the bad choice of not drinking my water..now i didnt drink very much diet pop but i did drink some...i had a bite of a snocone today and it started my eyes and head again..just a bite..i couldnt believe it...i am going to the doctor as soon as i can and be checked for diabetes..

well its getting late so i am getting off..have a good night and good weekend..
enjoy the weekend and be safe..
kelli

Thursday, September 2, 2010

i had a good day of good choices..





you can sure see the difference 60 pounds makes..in my appearance and my mood..my smile..

well today i went to work this afternoon..after i had been up several hours already..but i had not eaten very much today and so when i went to work i did buy 2 tacos from taco bueno and thought okay this will allow me to not look at the candy..

okay so i didnt crave the candy..i really didnt want to feel like i did last night..i wanted to feel good ..not like i was going blind..well tonight i did have a single dip of sherbert..web md said that diabetics can have sherbert..but i dont know..i ate it and now i feel like i did last night..my eyes are going dim..and they hurt..

i wasnt able to walk tonight just simply because of the rain and the fact i wasnt here most of the day..so tomorrow i will walk and make sure i get all my water in..i have had a good day..i was so pleased to find myself not craving the sugar..being as strong as i was about it all and not getting into it..maybe i can whip this craving for sugar and chocolate soon..

i feel so small even though i know i have along way to go..but i am really feeling it now..i am under 300 and going down even more..my clothes are getting big on me and it feels so good to be in big clothes now..cause when i bought them they were just right..hehe..but i know i will get to my goal of 130..it will take me some time..but everything worth it does...

i am starting to see changes in my face and thats a neat thing..i cant wait to see what i will look like around christmas...that will be nice..

my choices today were better..i ate 1320 calories
i didnt walk but will tomorrow..
i didnt drink all my water but i will tomorrow..
i didnt eat any candy bars..yay for me..

my mood is good and positive..yea for me
i think the positive moods really help with how we make the choices in our life..no matter what choice we are making..if its something positive then its going to be a good choice..

so lets make tomorrow a good day for us all..
make good choices and stay positive..
kelli

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

the choices we make..



where sean and i grew up..mickey d's....still standing..

i know the choice i make is what i am going to have to live with..i didnt make very good choices today..i was bored at work and the candy bars were sitting in front of me..okay i made the wrong choice..boy did i make the wrong choice..i ate a snickers bar,something i thought would fill me up since i hadnt eatin much today..

so i ate it and i ate other things that were not good too..but the snickers bar made me very sick..i got dizzy and my eyes went blurry and i got sick in the stomach as well..i really think all of a sudden my blood sugar went up because of the chocolate..so now i am going cold turkey off of the chocolate and sugar..i have too..i am so afraid i have full blown diabetes now and its scary to think that..my eyes stayed blurry for a long time and i felt sick for a while...after i ate some actual food ..then my stomach was okay..but my eyes were still bad..

i havent walked tonight either..we were having some bad looking storms and with the way i was feeling i didnt want to go out and walk..

last night i did well..i drank my water and i walked and did a whole mile and a half..i was doing so well and then today for some reason i just got bored, i was at work and we just wasnt busy at the time and the candy bars seemed to be calling my name all day..i am going to have to really ignore that calling..

i am going to do well tomorrow ..i am going to make sure i get my water in and i do my walking and i am going to ignore the candy bars..maybe i will put them somewhere that i cant see right then..that might help..
but i will do better i will make sure i dont eat my 1300 calories in candy bars like i did today..i really didnt do well but i will do better tomorrow ..because tomorrow is another day to do great things and i am going too..

enjoy the night and lets make good choices tomorrow..
kelli