thinking is better than not thinking..i think..lol

my beautiful cousin bobbie joe who is now a model, posing for me at one of our many photoshoots this year..she is a beauty.i love to take her picture

I have been better today at thinking about what i need to do..well actually remembering to concentrate on what i have to eat or not eat and drink. Although my drinking pop leaves something to be desired, my concentrating on food is getting somewhat better. I started my day not thinking about what i should be drinking, just grabbing the pepsi that i had in the fridge to take with me to work. See the way i was thinking was that i could drink just one bottle all morning and as opposed to 2 cans of pop that i normally drink by the end of my shift. i guess i was thinking 250 is better than 300 and it is but it is still not good to begin with.

SO TOMORROW I SHALL TAKE A GLASS OF WATER..ITS WHAT I NEED ANYWAY!

I ate my protein bar like i do every morning but i need to think of maybe fruit instead. There is really too much sugar in the protein bars to really help with weight loss, and really do these bars really curb our hunger, or DO WE JUST MAKE OURSELVES BELIEVE THEY DO..!

When i came home i had already consumed ice cream and regular pop and that protein bar..toooo much chocolate way to much sugar..its really a good thing that i am not a diabetic because i would probably be very sick by now. i brought home jr, cheeseburgers from braums for all of us to have here at the house and so i had mine and ate it pretty fast.. i am going to have to start slowing down and realizing i have food in my mouth.

I didnt eat anything but a bag of popcorn that of course had butter on it...ya know looking at everything i have been having today, i think i am a food addict as well or at least a sugar addict..i know that much..but the thing that i am looking at today is the fact that i have thought about it..even if i didnt do well with the food, i did look at it and say i need to do something now..

I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN NOW AND SAYING NO! NO ! NO!..I DONT WANT TO GO ON ANY FURTHER..!

I didnt eat when we went to wendys and it really wasnt because i was making any kind of effort but because i am not feeling well and have been and still am sick. But by the time i got out of class tonight i was hungry..i guess i really hadnt had anything that was healthy just junk food, and of course i didnt get anything that was healthy either. i went right over and got a 20 piece mcnuget from mickeyDs..not the best kind of food to eat but i was hungry and craving it for some reason..

I ate half which is 10 of them a whopping 450 calories..but i didnt get a pop this time..i have cut back on how much pop i am drinking, at least today i am cutting back..tomorrow i may just cut it out i dont know..

But what i like the best is that i am trying to do something now..BEFORE IT WAS LIKE I HAD GIVEN UP AND DIDNT CARE..now i need to care even if this is all i have in life just to take care of my mom and myself and just be here on this earth..at least i will be here..and not 6 feet under..ITS TOO EARLY FOR ME TO DIE..I MAY BE READY TO SEE GOD AND HEAVEN BUT I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE THIS EARTH..

tomorrow starts the day all over again and another day where i have to watch it..but there will never be a day where i dont have to watch my weight...its just in me,
BUT IT HASNT BEEN TOO BAD TODAY! MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE A BRIGHTER DAY AND A BETTER DAY AND ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING THE TRUE ME..THE ME THAT SO WANTS TO GET OUT OF THIS FAT BODY AND BE FREE FROM THE BAD HEALTH AND THE PAIN IN THE LEGS AND JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON SITTING IN A NORMAL SIZED CHAIR AND NOT BREAKING IT!

SO THINKING IS BETTER THAN NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, AT LEAST I AM NOW TRYING..

I feel like i have hit bottom

this is my nephew sean and his cover for his book that is coming out soon..go buy it this will help you so much..i hope it helps me..he lost 275 pounds in 26 months if you didnt already know that..the name of his book is Transformation Road the journey back from 505 pounds..
I know i havent been good about keeping up with this blog, in fact i really thought i was just going to let it go.i am so busy these days going to school and work and taking care of mom and trying to get my photography off the ground, that i have no time for myself. i know thats a really long sentence and probably not structured well but tonight i dont care, i am just writing.

i just feel like i have hit the bottom and no where to go. my nephew sean is coming out with his book which is exciting and i am very happy that he was able to get his weight off and i know i can do this..but i just dont feel like i can..does that even make sense?

i have gained back all the weight i had previously lost plus the weight i had already lost before that..so now i am actually close to the highest weight i have been..my weight is now 341..i lost a few pounds being really sick..i wouldnt advise it..lol

i am just so tired of being tired and sick and not being able to fit into chairs because people at the schools and at jobs dont realize that maybe we have bigger people than just what fits those little chairs..i have had to deal with this for 8 years now and i am really tired of it..

i just want to feel good again..i dont want to die early..i am only 43 and even though i dont have my own family i do still have my brother and sisters and my mom is still here..there should be so many reasons to want to live and get this weight off, why cant i feel like its the most important thing and just do it..

i had a really bad day today, and even though it was really bad i do remember not thinking about the food..that wasnt on my mind, now pop is another story..i think i am more of a pop drinker than a food addict to be truthful i can drink pop like its water..i have been trying to drink my water more the last few days..maybe by doing this i will get myself back into control..i sure hope so..i have to do something..
cause as sean says choose change before change chooses you, and it will be choosing me and it wont be good unless i do something now..