Friday, December 2, 2011

thursdays blog on friday!

this is for yesterday, i got home from class too late and didnt feel like getting on the computer. i am here at work today doing my blog, i havent got anything to do right now so i thought i would write yesterdays blog. yesterday was not a good day for my concentration. i just couldnt or didnt focus on what i needed to focus on.

i got up sick and stayed sick most all day. i didnt go to work and stayed asleep for quite a while. when i did get up, i ate very little food yesterday. what i ate going to class and coming home from class made up for the whole day, i ate junk food, i drank regular pop, not one but two bottles, one right after the other. it was bad, i even got a regular pop for this morning to bring with me, its just a habit i can tell its a habit, if i just got pepsi max or sprite zero it would be better for me.

i just didnt concentrate, maybe i was just nervous, i am in spanish class at night and i am not doing as well as i would like in this class so maybe its my nerves, but i did do something good last night, i got a salad and ate it. i hadnt even thought of a salad in a long time, and there it was a salad. you know what, it was good too. i really liked it and it got me to thinking better.

maybe this is all a habit, i just need to get into a better habit of what i eat and do this everyday. i really need to be drinking my water, i think about it, but i dont do it, and that is not going to help me any. so yesterday was not good but today is another day and i am going to try to focus on it today and keep that up, maybe i can get into a habit of focusing on it and keep doing it, i would sure like to see myself thin one day. i dont even know what i would look like thin. well i better get to work ..you all have a great day!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

thinking is better than not thinking..i think..lol


my beautiful cousin bobbie joe who is now a model, posing for me at one of our many photoshoots this year..she is a beauty.i love to take her picture

I have been better today at thinking about what i need to do..well actually remembering to concentrate on what i have to eat or not eat and drink. Although my drinking pop leaves something to be desired, my concentrating on food is getting somewhat better. I started my day not thinking about what i should be drinking, just grabbing the pepsi that i had in the fridge to take with me to work. See the way i was thinking was that i could drink just one bottle all morning and as opposed to 2 cans of pop that i normally drink by the end of my shift. i guess i was thinking 250 is better than 300 and it is but it is still not good to begin with.

SO TOMORROW I SHALL TAKE A GLASS OF WATER..ITS WHAT I NEED ANYWAY!

I ate my protein bar like i do every morning but i need to think of maybe fruit instead. There is really too much sugar in the protein bars to really help with weight loss, and really do these bars really curb our hunger, or DO WE JUST MAKE OURSELVES BELIEVE THEY DO..!

When i came home i had already consumed ice cream and regular pop and that protein bar..toooo much chocolate way to much sugar..its really a good thing that i am not a diabetic because i would probably be very sick by now. i brought home jr, cheeseburgers from braums for all of us to have here at the house and so i had mine and ate it pretty fast.. i am going to have to start slowing down and realizing i have food in my mouth.

I didnt eat anything but a bag of popcorn that of course had butter on it...ya know looking at everything i have been having today, i think i am a food addict as well or at least a sugar addict..i know that much..but the thing that i am looking at today is the fact that i have thought about it..even if i didnt do well with the food, i did look at it and say i need to do something now..

I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN NOW AND SAYING NO! NO ! NO!..I DONT WANT TO GO ON ANY FURTHER..!

I didnt eat when we went to wendys and it really wasnt because i was making any kind of effort but because i am not feeling well and have been and still am sick. But by the time i got out of class tonight i was hungry..i guess i really hadnt had anything that was healthy just junk food, and of course i didnt get anything that was healthy either. i went right over and got a 20 piece mcnuget from mickeyDs..not the best kind of food to eat but i was hungry and craving it for some reason..

I ate half which is 10 of them a whopping 450 calories..but i didnt get a pop this time..i have cut back on how much pop i am drinking, at least today i am cutting back..tomorrow i may just cut it out i dont know..

But what i like the best is that i am trying to do something now..BEFORE IT WAS LIKE I HAD GIVEN UP AND DIDNT CARE..now i need to care even if this is all i have in life just to take care of my mom and myself and just be here on this earth..at least i will be here..and not 6 feet under..ITS TOO EARLY FOR ME TO DIE..I MAY BE READY TO SEE GOD AND HEAVEN BUT I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE THIS EARTH..

tomorrow starts the day all over again and another day where i have to watch it..but there will never be a day where i dont have to watch my weight...its just in me,
BUT IT HASNT BEEN TOO BAD TODAY! MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE A BRIGHTER DAY AND A BETTER DAY AND ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING THE TRUE ME..THE ME THAT SO WANTS TO GET OUT OF THIS FAT BODY AND BE FREE FROM THE BAD HEALTH AND THE PAIN IN THE LEGS AND JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON SITTING IN A NORMAL SIZED CHAIR AND NOT BREAKING IT!

SO THINKING IS BETTER THAN NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, AT LEAST I AM NOW TRYING..

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I feel like i have hit bottom


this is my nephew sean and his cover for his book that is coming out soon..go buy it this will help you so much..i hope it helps me..he lost 275 pounds in 26 months if you didnt already know that..the name of his book is Transformation Road the journey back from 505 pounds..
I know i havent been good about keeping up with this blog, in fact i really thought i was just going to let it go.i am so busy these days going to school and work and taking care of mom and trying to get my photography off the ground, that i have no time for myself. i know thats a really long sentence and probably not structured well but tonight i dont care, i am just writing.

i just feel like i have hit the bottom and no where to go. my nephew sean is coming out with his book which is exciting and i am very happy that he was able to get his weight off and i know i can do this..but i just dont feel like i can..does that even make sense?

i have gained back all the weight i had previously lost plus the weight i had already lost before that..so now i am actually close to the highest weight i have been..my weight is now 341..i lost a few pounds being really sick..i wouldnt advise it..lol

i am just so tired of being tired and sick and not being able to fit into chairs because people at the schools and at jobs dont realize that maybe we have bigger people than just what fits those little chairs..i have had to deal with this for 8 years now and i am really tired of it..

i just want to feel good again..i dont want to die early..i am only 43 and even though i dont have my own family i do still have my brother and sisters and my mom is still here..there should be so many reasons to want to live and get this weight off, why cant i feel like its the most important thing and just do it..

i had a really bad day today, and even though it was really bad i do remember not thinking about the food..that wasnt on my mind, now pop is another story..i think i am more of a pop drinker than a food addict to be truthful i can drink pop like its water..i have been trying to drink my water more the last few days..maybe by doing this i will get myself back into control..i sure hope so..i have to do something..
cause as sean says choose change before change chooses you, and it will be choosing me and it wont be good unless i do something now..

Monday, May 23, 2011

its one day at a time



the pretty birds from early this morning..

i have been doing good today..i have already got 60 ounces of water down me and i didnt even look at the pop..we have diet pop in the fridge but any pop is bad for me now..so i woke up drinking water..and i am going to bed drinking water..i went and weighed today..well it wasnt bad...at least not as bad as i thought it would be..

i weighed 330 pounds..so thats my start again.330 i seem to like to start at that number ..i dont know why but i do..lol but at least its not 350 like i thought it would be..i really feel that big and i know i look that big..i hate the way i look these days..i was becoming smaller looking and even kinda pretty when i was down to 296..and then something happened and i lost it..now its hard to walk a mile and i was walking 3 miles..but i am doing it..i cant keep whining about what was and just do it..

my journey seems to be taking longer than i wanted but i guess that is up to me..if i really wanted to get it off i would have kept going and not stopped..so now i am taking it one day at a time..thats all i can do..i am going to have weak days and i am going to have strong nothing will get in my way days...i only hope i have more strong ones than weak ones..

today was a day where it could have gone bad, if i had let it..i went to the medical supply store to get something for my mom and there was a jar of candy bars sitting right on the couter ..only .25 cents for each one ..and i had a dollar right in my hand..oh my my favorite chocolate..but i decided it wasnt a smart choice..right now for me i dont need to be eating the candy bars even though i will not just quit all together..this is the beginning i dont need to be tempted..

so i walked out without the chocolate..and i was proud of myself..i made it thru..i ate a salad and had a grilled chicken go wrap and had ice water..i love ice water..that is the best kind to have..i could have gotten coke but i said no i dont need the extra calories..i mean look at how many calories are in pop...150 to 8 ounces of pop..how awful and if we super size it or we make it a 32 ounce because its cheaper, were only hurting ourselves..getting that much pop is way too many calories for anyone too have..

i know i will be losing weight just because i am not drinking pop anymore..sometimes i dont care for the water all the time, but it doesnt have any calorie intake and that is something i am watching..i also dont need the sugar whether its sugar or sweetners..i dont need it either..so my day wasnt bad..

i then came home to a storm ..we keep having the storms aroud here now..its tornado season so now we have to stay aware..but the storm held back til i got in at least a half a mile..so i did walk some today..i feel good about this day..and i know that tomorrow is going to be another day and there will be challenges then too..but i feel like i can over come them now just by taking it one day at a time..

have a great night
kelli

Sunday, May 22, 2011

its been too long



the clouds tonight..while i was walking
wow i have been away tooo long ..i havent exercised or even cared about drinking water or getting off pop or anything i am supposed to be caring about since december of last year..wow going on 6 months and i have put the weight back on too..well today i decided it isnt coming off by itself and it isnt going to help me any to just keep getting bigger and bigger..

i cant do that to myself..the other day a little girl asked me when i was having the baby..awe the honesty of a little one..they dont know how to be tactful yet..they just know what they see..and yep in my clothes i do look pregnant..isnt that awful i know i have gained probably all of it back..i will see tomorrow..

i decided i was going to drink water..i was going to walk too..and i did i even counted the calories today..i ate 1100 calories and i have drank 60 ounces so far of water and i walked almost a mile in 40 minutes ...well the time will get better soon...

i have been sick all weekend too with migraines so walking for me was a big thing..but i did it..i was glad i did it too..i feel good now..i really do..i dont know how much i am going to lose each month but at least i will be losing..its a whole lot better than gaining like ive been doing..

i dont know what happened, except i got to where i just wasnt caring ..it was like the pop was my comfort and if i felt the least bit depressed which i did alot of the time, i would end up with reg.pop a 32 ounce reg.pop and i got to where i was eating candy in my room too..i would watch tv at night and i would have twizzlers in my bedroom..sometimes chocolate..so thats a big no no..and i dont mean a bite..

but i started thinking i really want to be thin when i graduate and i will feel so much better walking when i am a 100 pounds thinner and then 200 pounds thnner..cause yes i have 200 pounds to lose..it has too come off or i will be dead sooner than i want to be..

well i will stop til tomorrow..i am going to do this everynight..i am going to be faithful to the blog..and to myself..thanks for the support..

have a great night..
kelli

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

yea i know its been a long time.






these are just some of the photos i have been taking..visit my website and you will see the rest..

dear friends,

i know i have not even thought about blogging for a while, and i know that is so wrong..i havent watched myself and i even drink the pop..yes i do i drink the reg. pop..i have not tried and all i have to blame is myself..so many people have tried and tried to get me back on track..i know they are tired of telling me things that go in one ear and out the other..and honestly there is no but..i just havent done it..i want to ..no i dont want to or i would be doing it..

i can tell myself all kinds of excuses but its not going to help..i gained back to 330.okay that is where i was when i started this..i lost all the weight for nothing, and now i have it to do all over again..a lot of fun..but i will have to do it..i do have a choice..i could die i guess..do i want to do that..NO! so watching the calories and no more pop and some sort of walking is something i have to do..my sister who has diabetes just got out of the hospital today..her blood sugar had gotten out of control..see she wasnt doing anything either..i dont know why we didnt..i suppose we just didnt care at the time..there are times i get to where i just dont care if i am heavy or slim..i get depressed and i just eat ice cream or i drink alot of pop..and i guess here for a while i have been doing just that..
i have never been told i was actually diabetic, i was borderline a few years ago which means i could possibly get it..but now we have to get busy and get her blood sugar down..now is the time for me to get busy and keep going..i have everyday to do this..as long as im here i may as well take control of what i eat..this blogging is something i need to be doing everyday..i guess i will have more time now..its almost summer..walking weather..i have started a website as well for my photos..im kellidee photography ..im actually at fine art america.com i will put my link on here..hope you stop by and look over my pictures..im selling them as well..and if your on facebook with me i have a fan page too..kellidee photography...
hope you all enjoy the night..
kelli

Sunday, March 6, 2011

gotta make this fast..



this is one of the pretty sunsets i have been taking lately, and me and sean last weekend when i had just started the weightloss..

i should be studying right now. i have been putting all my efforts into my studying and not my blogging and i probably should make some time for it. i am doing so much better right now..i have gone to the doctor and got some tests done and hopefully soon will find out why i am in pain..supposed to go to the pain doctor..but i got a double dose strength of a water pill and now i am floating to the restroom..in one week i have lost 17 pounds using this water pill..

of course i am watching what i eat and how much i eat and i am not drinking any pop..i have let go of the pop and am now drinking tea..i eat alot of salads..i know something sean never touched but i like salad..so i am eating alot of that and trying to walk as much as i can at school..i walk about 45 minutes all together to get to class and back to the car..so i walk enough..right now i am in so much pain that it hurts to move around..i am going to therapy again but cant get wrapped again until the 21st of this month..but so far i dont think i have gotten bigger..in fact with the 17 pounds gone it has helped me..

well my days anymore consists of going to school and taking care of mom and taking pictures of anything and everything these days..
i wanted to let you all know i am doing well..im more focused than i have been in a long time..and i appreciate all of you for your concerns and your loyality to my page..

i really better get to studying got to get up early tomorrow..
goodnight and god bless
kelli

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

im still here..




our winter blizzard, and me outside ..you can tell i have gained the weight in the face..i feel awful..having all the problems like before..

im sorry i havent kept in touch with everyone..im still here everyone..i havent done well though..i ended up gaining 30 pounds back..im back up to 326 now..its awful and i am just not sure anymore no i do know what to do..but for some reason i am just not caring enough to do it..its winter time here .we are in a blizzard right now..and i cant seem to walk but i do have to walk when i am going to class..so i am walking some..

we got thru christmas and now were getting into february...hopefully soon i will be able to really walk outside..but it wont do any good if i keep eating like i have been doing..i didnt mean to worry anyone..i am thankful you all kept watching for me..its nice to know you all are there..i did get back in school this semester.so now i only have 3 semesters to go and i will graduate..my facebook friends know how iam right now.i do keep up with that everyday..i just havent felt like writing for a while..i got off of the whole thing and just didnt concentrate on anything..i am watching it some and i do stay conscious of it but not enough..i hate it too..i really hate it..cause now my legs are back to being bad and i am short of breath and walking hurts all over again..so i guess the only thing i can do is start again..i have to start all over and get back to feeling good again..i really hope i can get to feeling good..i guess walking at school will help.. and when it gets warmer i will go outside..but i am still here and i will try and do this blog everyday..it seemed to help before..

enjoy your journey and stay warm
kelli