Wednesday, December 22, 2010

merry christmas!

our tree tonight..

hi everyone..i have been so busy lately with christmas that i havent found time to do the blog..but i have been doing pretty good..i was doing really well til the weekend came along..i dont know why but i seem to have problems around the weekend ..

i got to where i was walking twice a day though..i am going to stick with that too because i feel so good when i legs really feel good..i havent walked today and very little yesterday but tomorrow i will be right back to walking...

i decorated the tree tonight..i know its late but my uncle has been selling real michigan trees and so he brought us one last was a big tree..bigger than i have decorated before...but it was sure pretty..

i have been doing pretty good about the calories too..the last couple of days i didnt too well but i will more going off..

well i am headed to bed..its late..enjoy this week..its almost christmas..
enjoy the journey

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

walking is a big key to success..

me and my brother keith at christmas time when i was a little girl..

well today is another good day..its been nice outside and i decided i cant let go of the walking.i dont want to stop it and then go back to the way i was ..where i just didnt care..i cant do that i went outside with my coat on and put my hat on and walked til i got too tired to do anything else..i ended up walking 2.25 miles before i had gotten too tired..then i decided i needed to rest and go again a little we went and did our errands and then came home a little later for my second go around..

i wanted to match what i had done this afternoon but i ended up doing a mile and a half was just so cold when i got out there the second time, that i couldnt do a whole 2.25..that will just have to wait ..i feel pretty good going out everyday and walking..its when i get done that i feel so pooped i cant stand but it will get me going..i really believe walking is the main key to this success..

i did well on my food too..i had 1300 calories today and actually thought i wasnt going to be doing well..well we had gone to taco bueno and i got 3 tacos but i love refried beans..i really should have looked at the calories before i ordered but i didnt and so i ate it anyway...well after i looked at it i then counted it up and i had 900 calories in this meal..i couldnt believe it..200 for each of the tacos and 300 for the refried oh my so i had eaten 1200 by that time..and was now at the amount i i did well tonight..nothing but a banana and some green feeling good now..i feel alive and i feel like i will do this..this is going to happen and i am going to do it now..

enjoy the journey along the way..

i made 3 and a half miles today..

well i am focused now..this is going to happen and i am going to make it happen..i went out and walked today and it was so nice ..45 degrees and i felt good outside..i decided i wanted to get my 3 miles in but i didnt have enough time to actually do it all at i walked 2 miles in 38 minutes and it felt good..i then went out again about 3 hours later and walked another mile and a half in 25 minutes..i couldnt believe it i had done 3 and a half miles today..i would like to get 3 miles all at one time and may do that by the end of the week..

i am feeling good about this and it seems pretty simple as long as i keep my mind on it..thats what i have to do..i have to have this time to do this for me...this is my health and what i have to do to get it better..its going to take some time but it will happen..

i did well on the calories and it just seems to be easy to do..i dont eat a whole lot but what i am eating now is apples and bananas..focus is the key ..consistency is the key and i am really trying to keep that in my head and i know exercise is the key as well..i have to be able to keep after it and i think i like that little engine that could ..remember that story..i think i can i think i

well i am going to get to sleep its late..
enjoy the journey

Monday, December 13, 2010

i just did not believe it..!

me walking out in the cold..

wow..well you all knew i was going to weigh today..and i decided i needed too ..i wanted to see if i had lost anything and wow i was so i stepped on the scales thinking i would see a 4 pound loss if i was lucky..i never dreamed i would see an 8 pound loss in 6 days..can you believe it..8!

i was so excited all day..i just couldnt believe it..i now weigh 311 and it was so close to 310 that it kept going over there but it stayed on i said okay i can take

this has been a great day..we even went to the stockade you know the buffet line..well this is the day that seniors get in for 6.00 drink and all..and they have alot of soft food that my mom can eat..and she did..she had two plates of good food..i am really glad she could eat it..well i didnt eat nearly as much as my that is a first..

i got a plate of roasted chicken and carrots and had a bite of sweet potatoes and a roll..i am getting so good now at conqouring the buffet tables..i felt good about this.i even had some sugar free chocolate was good..i ate some fruit and didnt go away hungry or full..i wasnt sick and i didnt leave there feeling bad..i had a nice plate of food and left feeling good..i had won the battle..

i feel like i have so much more focus now than i did before..i really dont know what happened but i am sure glad it did..i came home and i hadnt walked yet and was wondering but didnt wonder long..i have to keep up with the walking ..i dont care how cold it is..i have to do i went out and walked in 29 degrees and did almost a mile..i am wanting to get to my 3 miles this week but tonight it was too cold to do more than a i did it and i feel good about it all..i am now going to do my 6 minutes with my shakeweight..i have been doing that this week too and it does oh my it burns..

i really want to get this off ..i am living everyday i might as well keep living healthy..the walking helps so much more than just burning the calories..i have noticed my legs going down in swelling now and now i will be able to get my legs to a normal look again..and i know i will feel so much better..i already week and i am feeling it..i am so ready to be healthy and thin..i so want to see myself thin..i dont remember myself thin..i know i weighed 150 in high school but even that is not the thinnest..but i plan on walking everyday and i will drink the water soon..i am going to do my walking during the day since it does get so cold at night now..but i enjoyed the felt good..

but i was and still am so excited..i hope you all are doing well with your journey..
enjoy the night..

Sunday, December 12, 2010

well my focus is back for

me and my cat sofie tonight..she was sleeping on me..

hi ya all..i know i have been away way tooo long..3 weeks is too long to not put down what i am thinking and feeling and eating day to day..well you know i was starting to do well when i last wrote ..but then i fell off again and stayed off til last week..

i dont know what happened last week but something did..i have finally gotten my focus back on straight like i had before and now i am just taking it one day at a time..but i have to do it everyday..and thats the key..everyday..i am walking and keeping my calories at 1200 and sometime soon i will drink some water..but last tuesday i decided that i cant keep not caring ..because if i keep that up i wont be around to not care sooner than i is a process that takes everyday to get through..

we have problems that arise and events that happen everyday that is going to put us in situations where we are going to be near sweets or pop or tons of food that is not good for us..the key to it is moderation..if you know you are going to be in that kind of situation eat very little and look over the food at the party..if you know you are going to be eating at the party then make sure you get some exercise before you go and just know that you can only allow yourself so many calories.its not the food that is important..its the friends and family that are there to enjoy..if you are like me are the one who is the picture taker at every event..
i take pictures every where i go and so i usually dont eat very much when i am there..

i have been doing well this week..i have walked all week and actually got to 2.25 miles by friday and now i am going to work towards 3 miles starting tomorrow..i feel good about it this time..i really think i am going to get it all off now..
its something i have never done yet and i believe i will make it this time..

i am doing the 1200 calories and walking everyday..i ended up gaining back up to 322 and now i am going down again..the last i weighed i was 319 last we will see how this last week went..i am back to school now in january..i finally was able to get back to i am excited..3 more semesters and i graduate with my bachelors degree..well i will be back on more often than i have been now..

i hope you all have a wonderful moday..

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 drink water..!lol

i was playing around after i colored my hair..i like it..not too different ..

i think this is the way i feel right now..i cant seem to get going on the water..i am doing good about keeping on track with the calories..i just dont eat anymore after i have reached my doing okay there..its been so cold here this week that i cant seem to get out and walk..i need to exercise and quit talking about it and just do before i go to sleep toight i am going to do my shake weight..6 minutes shouldnt hurt me in any i will do it for tonight..

today we ended up at the stockade sisters favorite place..i like it but i cant afford it right now so i wsnt too happy about going..but we went and i ate salad first and then i had brocali and the pot roast ..just the meat and then i had a roll..i did have a brownie and a piece of angel food cake and so i wasnt too bad..cause when i came home i didnt eat anything after this was my meal of the day..i had eaten a cup of cereal and that was reg.pop but no water either..i really need to get some water down me ..i came home and colored my hair roots were starting to really become black and i had to do something..

i kinda feel better than i have been which is good..i need to get with it and stay with it..i was doing so well and then poof something stopped and i ballooned out wasnt fun..believe me my self esteem went with it..but i feel better knowing i can control what i eat and how much i eat..that this is one thing i can do for feel better and once i look better i will feel it just goes hand in hand..hope you all are having a good journey as well..i know there are alot of people who are out there doing the same thing i am right now and feeling just like they will never get it off..believe me it can be done..we can do this..we just have to believe in ourselves enough and want it enough to do it..we have to if we want to live for as long as we are allowed to live..

so please dont think you are alone in this..we are all doing this together and it is a rough road ..but we will make it with Gods help and the help of our friends everywhere we will do this..
until tomorrow..make good choices im going tooo

i stayed on track today..

this is sean today at 230 pounds and sean when he was about 12..he started earlyin life being heavy..go to

well today was a good day..i stayed on track and still had calories to go even when i was getting ready to be in bed..i got to 1300 calories and did good there..i havent started the water today nor have i started the exercise..i said i was going to last night but i didnt..i always find something else to do and i cant do that anymore...even if i am just doing something in my room ..i need to be doing it..i could be doing the shake weight..after all i bought it to work on my arms ..i might as well use it..

i will do something tomorrow and i will drink water too..these are important things to do and i need to put them into my daily schedule of things that are important to do..i didnt drink any reg. pop today but i did drink diet pop and i am really wanting to get off the pop altogether..i dont need the sweeteners and i dont need the i dont need the pop..its something that i should look at as evil instead of something i cherish..because it doesnt do any good for me only hurts..

well sean came back here today to weigh on the scales he started out on..for those of you who do not know sean ..he is my nephew/ sisters child but we were raised together only 3 years we really are like brother and sister..but sean is the one who started this blogging and lost his weight doing it..he had a goal of 230 sept. 15,2008 ..he was 505 pounds when he started and today he weighed 230 pounds ..2 years and 2 months later..he is truly awesome and now he helps people along their journey..he is an inspiration to so many people..

sometimes when i think of him i end up thinking of the little boy that always wanted the same thing i had and always wanted to stay at home with me when i didnt want any one too..he was always an onery kid but when he ad i became 12 and 15 we decided to become friends and go against our so we never told on each other after that..we were best buddies to each other then..

now as he is an older man ..i see his kids act like he did and they were just like he and i were..and then one day they became friends..that was cool..i am very proud of my little brother and i hope he knows that..i know our family ..well we have always been close at least the last 20 years and i know we all are very proud of sean and we love him very much..he is a smart and funny man with a big heart and compassion for everyone he sees..he truly wants to help people and i can see that in him..his girls are the same way..they truly care and i am so glad they do..i think it is so great the kind of example he is setting in front of his doing great sean..and i am very proud to be your big sister....i love you brother and i hope i can do what you have just done..see were still i want what you funny isnt it.. lol

you all take care

Monday, November 15, 2010

i gained the weight back , but i have to get if off..

our fall weather is now turning into winter..

i know i keep going back and forth and i say one thing and end up doing another..its like i dont know what i am talking about or even i am just talking and not meaning anything by it..well i do mean it..i just dont seem to know how to do it..or i am making it hard for me to do..i think that it is it..i am just making it hard..i mean sean did it and he made it the easiest thing in the world ..even though we know its not..but he lost it all in 2 years..i can do the same..i know i can i just have to be consistent thats the key..

i weighed today..oh my i weighed and wasnt too shocked just disappointed i guess..i weighed 322..i have gained back 26 pounds from when i had lost down to 296..i dont know what stopped me but something did..something stopped me bad ..cause i started to drink pop and didnt care about my calories anymore..and walking what was when i go walk i will probably have to go back to a block the first time..i am just so disappointed in me..i could be closer to my goal by now and now i am starting over again..

well i have such great support on facebook and here..i know writing my blog everyday is something i need to do consistently as well..i need to be accountable for myself and for what i eat and drink..because drinking pop is the biggest addiction for me..i can leave some food alone but pop..let me at

today so far i have had 1130 calories ..i am at the calorie counting stage..i know i need to count carbs as well but i am going to make it as simple as possible and count my calories..i have had diet pop some not alot..and i will have water before the night is up..i ate roasted chicken ..what i ate with it is not the best in diet food but i am just counting calories so its how many calories i eat not what i eat that i am looking at today..

gaining this weight back just makes me feel like i am never going to get it off matter how hard i try..but i cant feel like that..i cant give up on it..i know God is with me thru everything i do and everything that happens to me..and i know i have control over what i put into my mouth and how much i put into my what i need to do is use the control i have and eat the right portions..its all portion control..its all mental how you think about it..if you can see yourself doing this then it will happen..but if you are around too much negative vibes you wont do this because you wont believe you can..

i believe i can now..i know i have too..i want too because i want to live..i want to see myself thin for once..i want my mamma to see me dad didnt get too but now i have a chance to show my momma what i would look like thin..i want to because i know i can do this and i want to do it..

i dont want to be full of talk..i dont want to be just a dreamer..i want this to be a realistic goal for right now is 2 pounds a week..i really think i can manage that goal ..and if i lose more then great but 2 pounds is what i am shooting for..i am going to walk or do some sort of exercise ..right now its so cold i cant seem to get out and its raining..i want my legs to get better and stop swelling up everyday..since i gained the weight my legs have really swollen up and somedays i cant even put my shoes i want that to go away..i want to be too young to not be healthy..

im going to do this and do it for me..thats why i want to do it..for me!
thank you all for supporting me thru this..
think good thoughts..

Sunday, November 7, 2010

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

oreo in one of his many poses..he was quite a character..

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..i can i know i can..this is something i have been hearing in my head all day..i know i can..i have faith that God is going to be with me all the way through this..i know He will..

i have had a bad couple of weeks..i got through it..but it wasnt fun..we had two family deaths within a couple of days and then two days cat oreo died actually was killed..we think he got hit by a car..he was bleeding on the side of his head..i have went through sort of an intervention with my friend..who has been so trying to get me to start again or just do something..i havent found a job and have student loans driving me crazy..but i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..

i have to believe this and keep saying it in my heart..i am so afraid i have gained my weight back that i lost chin has come back and now i know if i go out and walk..i wont be able to walk more than a block..but i need to do that..i need to start..i wont get to the end until i start at the gonna miss oreo when i walk..he was the one who always liked to walk with me..and he would ride with my sister..she was always walking with the walker so he would ride..he had some kittens before he died..but now the mother cat has taken them away and we dont know where they are..but we have sofie and tux..they are loyal..they have been here since we moved here 11 years ago..

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS what a verse..something that means so much..i know God is with me through it all..and i am going to do this..i am going to be healthy and may not be right at the moment i want it to be ..but i will get will happen..i dont want to let my friends and family down..but most of all i dont want to let myself down..and i will if i dont do something wont come off by it self..we have to do this for ourselves i am going to do this now..and keep going until its done..this is life not a

have a wonderful sunday..

Monday, October 25, 2010

well i think i better try water...

this is some of the nature i have been looking at lately...pretty fall colors..

i have had a day of being so swollen i could barely get my feet into my shoes..i dont know what happened..but the shoes wouldnt go on my feet today..i have had a really bad day with the legs being as swollen as they are...if i had known that my life would be like this...i just dont think i would have gained all that weight...i gained back some weight lately and now i cant get through areas i could before..this is something i have got to get off..i am feeling so bad again and my legs are becoming swollen like before..what has happened to me that i just lost it...i just fell apart like i didnt care anymore...

i have been getting so many people telling me that water really works for the legs..and i know it would..i just have this slight fear about water...i almost drowned as a kid and i just cant stand water anymore...i was even terrified when i got but i have decided i need to do the water..i need to jump in head first and do it..i need to for my poor legs..i know my legs would be so much better if i would be in water part of the time..i know it would help me lose the weight too..i just have to do it and not think about it..

if i hadnt had reg..pop i would have done okay with the watching..we went to cicis today but i had salad ..the only thing is i had a brownie and a cinnimon roll too plus pop...but i have made up my mind that if i go there again..i will only have can just buy the salad bar..and that is what i will do.. i came home and layed down and put my legs up but they are still swollen now i have switched rooms with my brother to lay down on a bed..and put them up all night..maybe that will help...i hope so..

i have to get back to the way i was going before..i was losing and doing so well and then all of a sudden it just stopped and i found myself gaining it back..i cant do this anymore..but i have not had anymore hate email ..and i really dont think this person is going to send me anymore..i think this person just snapped all of a sudden and then realized what she did...but i will always forgive ..its just my nature..

i will not have anyone tell me how to go about my life and if i am bothering this person with the way i look or the pictures i take then this person can look the other way..they dont have to see me or my pictures...but i do think i will check this water aerobics out...that would be good for me and my

well tomorrow is going to be a better day because i am gong to make it that way..
i am going to watch it better and try and walk outside..i have to do this again..
have a good night..

well this has been a weekend..

this was our homecoming parade this weekend..and getting my mom and brother to go with me and my sister was quite the miracle in here are pictures of that was fun..oh there is one picture here that is me and my cousins..and our mothers...we are first cousins..just a few of us here..i have alot of cousins..

here is the birthday boy..he turned a big 39 on saturday and we celebrated on sunday because he went to the homecoming game...without but it was fun..

well i know i havent been on here for a while..i have been having a bad weekend besides having 2 people in my family die within 3 days apart..we now have 2 funerals to is over with and the other one is this coming watching my weight is something i havent been able to do very well lately...but then i have had some hate email the last couple of days that has really bothered me..i honestly do not know who this person is ...but it has bothered me that someone dislikes me so much that they would be as hurtful as this person was...

we all want to be liked and being liked is something i guess i was always insecure about..i couldnt see someone not liking me ..i try and be the nicest person i can and this person could not see how nice i really am and the kind of heart i have..

i need to stop thinking about this because it just makes it hurt more...i am trying to get back to watching the weight because i know i need too...i know if i dont i will be just the same as killing myself and for me i really dont need that...i havent felt like doing much of anything since this email and i need to stop letting this person have control like this..i need to let God take care of it and leave it alone....

i have been trying to eat alot of salads and trying to stay away from food i dont need..lately i just havent had a lot of luck with any of it ..frankly i just havent tried that hard..i dont know how to do this blogging anymore.i dot even feel like it..i know that this is my personal story of my ups and downs and its not supposed to be anything but my accountability to weight loss..but i am a very personable person..i get things out in the open..there isnt anything i dont mind talking about..thats just me, and if it helps someone else then i have done good by it..i like helping others, i always have..if i can i will..the first thing for me right now is to help myself..i need to help me by concentrating on getting back to walking and getting my self power back...i lost it the other night when i let this other person take it...

this person talked about how bad my teeth were and how sick they were of me taking pictures all the time and being pictures of me..and talked about my geriatric family and how this world doesnt revolve around me and my family...then they talked about how i cant get a man or even keep a i put too much out there for people to see ...well i am putting it out there for you all to see..i am telling you all this so you will understand how awful i have felt this weekend..this is just a portion of the email..they also talked about how disrespectful i was by taking pictures at my cousins before the wasnt during the funeral it was at the park..
ther eis so much more in this email and i know i need to leave it behind me..i told the person i would accept the appology and i am going to have to and leave it alone..this person sounds like a lady and so i will say she said she was having problems with her parents and took it out on me...well whoopi do..we all have problems with people and we dont go crazy on someone else over it..

anyway i guess i will leave it here..i know she reads this blog because this was another problem she had with if you dont like me then go dont have to read about my life or look at my pictures..all of this is my business..not anyone elses...

i hope you all have a good week..i dont know when i will be on here again..maybe tomorrow maybe not..i dont know..
goodnight all

Monday, October 18, 2010

hi i am feeling better

my cousin ronnie when he was a boy..he was 51 ..

i know i was just getting started again and then poof..i got sick..i have been down for 4 days with a migraine headache..oh my its been bad..the light the noise..the people walking around..oh the swirling i am making myself sick

this has been a really bad weekend...i got to where i was about to throw up and ate hardly anything..i think i did get some calories in but not all the calories i needed...but i am trying to get better now..i am still on the verge but it hopefully it wont happen..

tonight as i was trying to feel better we got news that my cousin had died this evening..we didnt even know he was this sick...he had moved to another city and didtnt tell anyone where he was..i guess one of our cousins found out and kept in touch the last few months..but he was only 51 and was a close cousin with my brother being the same age range..

but i am trying to get my focus back to feeling good and then onto losing this has to come off..i am just glad i am not around the candy bars they were such a tempting thing to have around..and we never sold them so they were just there day after day...

now i have just got to get to a job that doesnt have food around all the time..i hope i can find one like that..looking for work is not fun..very stressful..
well i think i will go back to bed..i am floating today from all the meds i am taking for the migrine..i even got a shot and took 3 pills..i sure hope it goes completely away...

talk to you tomorrow

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

its getting easier again..

i dont want to look this way picture now is the purple but i will not look like i did before ever again..

today has been a good day despite the fact that we had a earthquake with a magnitude of 5.1 was actually felt around here and that is something that never happens..but its beginning to be different weather for the whole world so who knows what tomorrow is going to bring...

anyway we are okay and everyone is doing good..this was a good day mentally too..i knew i just cant say i am going to do something and do it for 1 day and get off of it..i knew i couldnt do that..if i am going to get healthy and lose this weight ..then i am going to keep doing this til it all comes night isnt going to do it..i got up today and ate the plain yogurt with cinnimon and a banana and it kinda made me sick but it was good anyway...then we went for our ride..for some reason i dont want my mom to get so confused about things that she gets scared..she knows we go everyday and for her she thinks we are supposed to go for me i dont have to leave this house everyday..but we do even if its just to ride around..but today my sister wanted to go to ci ci 's and they have a buffet there that is really cheap right now and actually next week is going to be even cheaper..

BUT its the buffet that has the brownies and the cinnimon rolls and the pizza..and i normally cant control myself when i am there..i always end up getting at least 3 brownies and cinnimon rolls and i always get the dr.pepper in the big cups..32 ounces. this is not a good place for me..

but i decided that if i was going in there i wasnt getting the buffet..only the salad bar..this way i couldnt get the brownie or the pizza ..and i only got a small drink and ended up drinking tea without i had 2 plates of salad and tea...that was it ..didnt get one brownie or sweets at all..i did good..i watched the other people around me stuffing themselves and not realizing

i like this pizza place because of the nice manager and the salad bar is really good ..and cheap..but the strength of passing up the brownies and the cinni rolls when i could easily have gotten some was the greatest part of that know i can go in there and be okay with just getting salad and having tea is quite the miracle in itself..i know for a fact that God is giving me strength to keep going on this journey...He has to be..because i just havent had it for myself lately..

when we came home and i ate some mixed veggies and some green pepper ..i then made a bowl of sugar free chocolate mom can eat that and that seemed to be something we all liked..i had never actually made it so i learned something new tonight too..that was good stuff..
after that i went out and walked ..i did as much as i could do..i walked almost a mile around the park and then my legs were really giving out on i did about 25 minutes tonight..a little more today has been good and my mentality about the food is really starting to work just like sean says..i am watching my carbs and my calories and iam onto the water ..maybe that will be tomorrow..whoohoo what a difference a few days make in a persons mind...

have a wonderful thursday..

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

well today is a more focused day than before..

okay this is the food my sister and i fixed is a start for us..were both so used to going to wendys or charlies chicken and getting our meal there that it is a change for us all to fix anything at home..but we did today and it was good..

we are going to start fixing our meals here..if we go out to sit down least i am not eating sister ate a side salad which looked good..and my mom ate her mashed potatoes like she always does..but i just sat there with them..i had a drink and i am going to have to figure out what kind of drink from now on..because having a diet coke is just as bad as having a regular coke except for the calories..but all the sweetners in it is so bad for us..

well i got up to yogurt and a banana today and had tomatoes at wendys then when we got home we fixed the meal which just doesnt take long to fix ..we had grilled chicken and mixed veggies and cranberry sauce and then had some salad food for us..i am pretty sure i have gotten close to 1200 calories ..i know i havent gone over which is what i like ..then this evening i went out and walked for 20 minutes legs are so swollen right now that its hard for me to walk very long at a right leg is twice as big as my left leg again..its really worrying me but if i just get out there and walk every legs will go down..i know they will..they did before..

so today has been a lot better day than before ...i am so glad ..for some reason i dont feel so good mentally right now but i know i will be fine..i have God on my side and that is all i need..

i sure hope you all are having a great day today..thank you all for being on my side with me to support me through this tough time with the weight loss..i appreciate you all..


Monday, October 11, 2010

i feel fat..

me when i was 15 and me and sean with my dad when we were little..

i really feel fat today..i feel like i have gained all my weight back and now i have to start all over again..i just dont know how to keep doing this..i feel lost right now..everyone i know has been trying their hardest to get me back on track ..nobody wants me to die..i dont want too either, but i just dont know how to do this..i feel so i have wandered into the woods instead of being on the main highway to weightloss

i have been off the pop today..dont think i did badly on the calories but i dont think i did extremely well..i didnt walk and walking seems to be the hardest thing for me to do right now..i dont know why..i was really going after it for a while..and now i cant walk without my legs swelling really badly and hurting just to walk..i dont even feel like doing these blogs much anymore..i think i have really hit bottom on this and i dont know how to get back up..i really have too ..i keep remembering my doctor told me i had no choice..that if i didnt do something now i wouldnt be here when i am fifty.. well 50 is not too far away..i really just have to do this..i have to start watching the calories and not making this such a mountain..

im just tired and i just dont know how to keep going ..even though i know i have to keep going..i did go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago..he did some blood tests and they came up that i am anemic and have to take iron and a vitamin..he didnt know what was causing the blood in the urine but it has stopped i am not sure myself either..thank you all for the concern..

i hope you have a good monday..

Thursday, October 7, 2010

well i need motivation..

this flower bloomed yesterday at our house..a late bloomer like

i need some motivation ya not sure how to get it together again..i started doing something today..i wont say i did great because i didnt..but i did okay..i took the first step..i stayed off of the regular dr.pepper..that is the first thing for sister did okay too..she is getting hers back as well..

but today i dont know what it was but i decided i had to take the first step again..i wont say that i wont fall off again but i hope i dont..i dont need too..i have done nothing but eat what i wanted and drink pop for 2 weeks straight and probably longer than that..i know in the last 6 weeks i have gained back 13 pounds..not a good thing..really isnt..this is the first step back again..i will try again and again til i get it..i am not giving up on it because i need to be healthy and stay alive for me and my family.. what is your motivation everyone..? i need to be alive and be healthy..what gets you moving in the morning..?

so this is the first day to forever.....

enjoy your night..

Saturday, September 25, 2010

im on my way back

me and my momma at charlies today..

i know i have been gone for a week now and thats not good..i felt so good on monday but then i seemed to slip up the rest of the week..i havent gotten started walking yet either and i need to so bad, or i am going to be so swollen i wont be able to walk again..

i know i am doing wrong here..i know i am not treating myself right..this is a choice and i take full responsibility for it..i have ruined this week myself...i want to get back on track and by doing that i have to stop eating the ice cream like i have been..not altogether but everyday yes...i need to stop with the pop..i cant let myself go as george strait sings she let herself go..yea i have and now i am feeling it..i am seeing it chin is coming back at me and i hate that..

is drinking reg.pop so important to me that i end up killing its not..but i seem to think it is..i seem to put the food and pop way up there on the ladder and i shouldnt..yes we need to eat and drink but not so much we kill ourself..

i havent felt good all week and i am now out of work and looking for a i am stressed but i cant let the stress get to me.i have to put it in a different has to be separate...if i dont make it separate ..i will keep doing the same thing over and over again..i cant so that..but i do have to go to the doctor bleeding in my urine really bad so please pray for me..this has been happening all week i havent felt well..

but i have to start walking again and drinking my water and really watching the calories..i noticed with myself today i didnt even think about how many calories i was having and that is so not good...

i am going to bed now..goodnight
enjoy your sunday..

Monday, September 20, 2010

i feel refreshed today..

me now and me before i ever started doing anything at 356..

i know i have been talking everyday like i wasnt sure of how to do this and i needed help..and i do need help..we all need help..but today i got up and i felt like a new energy had emerged inside me ..i feel refreshed and its something i hadnt felt in a long time..really not since i stopped walking..

i feel good ..i dont know exactly how i am going to do this but i do know i am taking it one hour at a time..all i can do..its a gift to be able to do be given this chance to turn my health be able to live before i die..i need to honor the chance that God has given me and do this not only for me but for God..He is the one who has allowed me to see that i have to do this or i will die and not by Gods choice..but my killing me..we all are if we dont see it now and do something about it..we will eventually be put into a pine box and put under ..and that i dont want for a long time to come..sure i want to see my relatives but not til God says its time..

so today is a new day and i will rejoice in it and be glad i have it to deal with..
today i am not drinking pop..i got back on the water today..i am drinking it as i i will walk ..and i will watch the calories and not watch them go down my throat but watch how many i put in my is a new start to a great journey..thank you all for trying so hard to help me..i appreciate all of you..

enjoy the day..

Saturday, September 18, 2010

well its a day to day thing!

here iam sitting here at my snocone stand and being as bored as i can be without going crazy..and actually this has been a day where i didnt have the cravings for the snickers or the peanut butter didnt bother me that they were here..maybe i am getting over the craving..i hope so..

sean came to see me before the game today and was trying to explain things to me..all my friends have been trying to explain things..i know everyone means well..i have to do it again..i have to get up and get going and quit talking about doing it and just do it...i cant let it get so hard that i dread trying again..because it isnt hard..its just different..its a focus everyday on what i am going to be eating and how much water am i going to drink takes effort to do it..and for some reason i just didnt want to put the effort in but i wanted to see results tell me if that makes

but i am going to try harder to put more of an effort out..because i dont want to end up in a wheelchair or bedridden because i ate myself to death..or death..i dont want that..i need to feel the freedom that sean feels everyday..i need to do this..

i didnt do well but i didnt do awful today either..i wasnt hungry today but i did end up eating the tacos that sean brought me..i didnt make the right choices before i came to work..i ended up getting a ice cream mix from braums before i got i had already made a bad choice..but i have to do better..

tomorrow is another day and hopefully wont be like today was for me..

Thursday, September 16, 2010

im not sure why i am not trying as hard as i should!

i made this of my nephew sean today..he is amazing..going from 505 to 234 is a miricle..and God allowed him to do it..

i know the title sounds like a statement..and it is actually..its the main point for this blog just not sure why iam not giving it my all..why am i staying at this weight and even gaining back up to 300..why arent i excited about losing and keep going..i keep thinking i will get right back on track and then i dont..and i talk about it everytime i write a blog..i feel like i am being a big talker and not a doer..

i dont like to just talk, i never have liked it when people just talked about what they were going to do all the time..i actually would rather just do and not talk about it at fact it took me along time to start writing this blog because i just didnt think it would help me..why would writing my feelings down help me lose weight..well i think mentally it does help helps me to understand where iam at in my mind, and what is going on to get me where i need to be..

tonight i just didnt walk..i made the choice to not do it and i didnt do it..i didnt drink my water and i didnt watch the calories..i am finding myself right back in the same boat i was before i started losing..i am seeing myself being stressed and my mentality is just i am not caring ..even though i do care it certainly looks like i dont by the way i am doing things right now..i guess i am just really stressed...

i have got to do this..i have to for me ..for my health..i cant just stop because i feel like it..this is a life or death situation for walking is a life or death situation for i will have to get this into my head that its not that hard..just walk and drink water and 1300 calories..thats all its really how come i cant see it as clearly as i did before..i need some help with this..i just cant do it by myself...

enjoy the night..

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

today is today..a new day for us all

well these are alot of the past family pictures..i had auburn hair when i was in my teens of course i colored it that way..but i wanted to be a model and this is one of my headshots back then..then we have amber and courtney when they were small..seans kids..and then me again after a few years..i was big and still am just not as big..
still a nice person though..

i haven't written in a few days..i have been busy working and busy visiting with my friends..last night i went through my old pictures and found tons of you will probably be seeing some on seans blog as well as mine..i keep these pictures for the memories of all our family..we dont need to dwell on the past but enjoy thinking back with fond memories of the past..of course in these pictures sean and i are both heavy and it will be fun to see what we look like slim..of course sean is finding out now what thats like and that is why he likes to see the pictures so much..

i know what he is going through there..he has changed his whole life and he likes to look back and see where he came from and how he got there..believe me he never used to like to take pictures..i fact my whole family was and is like that..but i like to preserve the memories for a family historian..

but i really wish it was as easy for me to lose weight as it is to take a picture..boy would i be small..hehe but i guess sometimes the things that are the hardest for us to do mean the most when we get them done..i know when i have all my weight off, this will be the biggest accomplishment in my life..second is getting my degree..2 big things and i am trying to make it happen at the same that will be a lot of

i am not sure why i have been putting off walking..i know walking makes me feel better and i know without it i will not lose the weight..i truly think you have to do all 3 together to lose have to watch your calories and your carbs and you have to drink your water..and you have to exercise..whether your walking or do some cardio have to do it..and you have to be consistent with it..if you want results you have to put the effort out now why am i not doing this..?

i keep talking everyday that i am going to walk..i am going to drink my water and everyday i mess it up..i dont consistently do it at least right now im not..i know stress can play a major role in weightloss or weight gain..i know it has for me..right now i am trying to look for a full time job in an economy where the jobs are not around..i have 2 weeks to find a job doesnt even matter to me now if its a good job or just a job..because in 2 weeks i will be out of a job and i know i will be more stressed than i am now...
i am doing pretty good being around these candy bars all least i dont sit here and eat them all day long..boy that would make me sick..well i have had plenty of calories already because i did something i dont like ..i went and got a take with me to work..i knew i did something i wasnt supposed to do but there was the rebellion side coming out and in my own mind it was saying well if people like you they can like you dont have to do without all the stuff you enjoy just to please others...have we all heard that voice..the one we would like to slap everytime it opens its big trap..hehe

well i let it talk today and now i wish i added 400 calories to my food bank and i didnt want that...but now i know enough to not listen to it when it tries to tell me its okay ..because really im doing this for me and my health..and i need to do that voice is going to have be on my side or else it just better be still..hehe

i am hoping i will walk tonight before i get off of work..i can walk in front of the stand and i think i feels pretty good today so it wont be too hot..i am going to get some water down me too..i dont know how much but i am going to drink is a good day mentally its a good day..and i am very aware of what i did wrong to mess my calories up so now i will just try and keep going and do the best i can for the rest of the day.

enjoy the evening

Saturday, September 11, 2010

i am making me strong...

i am at work right now and all day i have been sitting here looking at the candy bars..knowing i cant have any or i will be sick you know how hard it is to look at candy bars knowing that..? its a tough thing to go through..really i will be so glad when we close for the year..even though i dont have another job right now..and really arent there temptations everywhere..i mean at school we have vending machines and the student union food thats a tempting place to be..

so to be honest about this ..its all in my mind..if i can control my mind and keep telling myself i dont need this candy..then maybe i can get past it least thats what i am doing today..i am letting myself know i dont want to be sick again..i dont want the calories empty ones at that..there isnt any nutricious value to a candy bar..

i need some help drinking my water..for some reason i cant get back to the water..i am drinking diet coke which isnt going to let me lose anything..why is it that we cant lose weight on diet drinks..that just isnt fair..they take the good tastes away and then tell us it will help us lose and we end up gaining doesnt sound right to me..

we are so dead right now at the stand..we have a football game right now and were losing but it just started..and so everyone is at the game...but not here staring at candy bars and telling myself i feel stronger so the time we close for the year they wont even phase me...hehe

well i am gong to walk tonight when i get home..and try and get some water in..i have already had 1370 in calories...gonna be hard to not have anything else..

i guess we made it through this day..
enjoy the weekend..

Friday, September 10, 2010

well today i became stronger..

well i struggled and struggled today but i became stronger by the struggling i went through...i know that i dont have to have a candy bar..i dont have to be bored out of my mind and eat because its there..i found strength through my friends..relying on them to help me through the bad cravings..and even though i wasnt around them they were still helping me, because i knew that i had to be if i ate a candy bar i had to let them know it..and that would defeat the purpose for me ..i am trying so hard to become stronger with my cravings and getting past them..

my friend glen told me to go i least i tried too..i was at work and had been there all day..i wasnt supposed to be there past 6 but one of the girls didnt show up and so i had to do it..not my idea of a fun friday night but it is what it is..

i hadnt gotten anything to eat so i was hungry ..its not a good thing to be hungry and be around i was being tempted..but i ended up overcoming it...i was so happy that i did...i really struggled with it today..and i know tomorrow may be the same way..but it will be another day to be a little stronger..i tried to go out and walk tonight at work..i went out and started to walk then i got a customer then i went again and i got a customer..i tried the last time and finally got to walk for 10 minutes before i got another was least i got through the cravings and that was the important thing..

i ate 1300 calories right on the nose today but i didnt have any water..i didnt drink any reg.pop so that was getting back on the right track..its just taking me a few days..

lets enjoy the weekend and pray for safety for tomorrow..

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

what am i doing to myself..?

its raining cats and dogs here today too..!

i just dont get it..i dont know why i get up wanting to do well and starting out good..and then by the end of the day i have done something to lose control of my focus..i dont know i not wanting to get this off ? am i subconsciously not wanting to lose weight..? i sure hope not..cause i know on the outside i want too..consciously i need too, and i want too...i have so much support from my friends and my family..why do i keep doing this to myself..

i got up today and wanted to do good..i didnt have any sleep last night..i slept from 130 to 330 am and never again after that..i have jumpy legs and they hurt like everything especially at night and with this weather we are having it just keeps hurting..i wanted to walk this morning but it was raining and it hadnt stopped yet..were supposed to be getting 4 to 5 inches before the night is through...

but i got up and ate an atkins bar in fact i had two of them today..not a good start...but then we went to taco mayo and my sister and i ate the platter ..i know we didnt have an over abundance of calories in this but i did something i wish i hadnt done now..i got reg. pop in fact i got dr.pepper..not good..really not good.

look at all the empty calories i just had..thats why i say why do i keep doing this to myself..why am i making it so hard for myself to lose weight..? why cant i get my focus back..i want to lose this weight but it looks like i dont..and sometimes i wonder if i i so scared that nothing is going to change when i lose the weight that i wont do i scared of how big a change it will be..? am i just so hurt that people wont go out with me this way but boy wait til i lose weight and they will line up at the door..i dont think so but it could happen..hehe

is this the reason i am making it worse for myself...? i really dont know..i get up with good intentions and go to bed without my focus..something has got to change..

be safe..

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

well its day to day..

me in my cool hat..hehe

well today has been a day where i just had to take it one step at a time..i guess we have to do it that way every day..but i got up and weighed early this morning and i wasnt too surprised..but i wasnt liking it wasnt what i wanted to see..i had gained 3 pounds back and i wasnt liking this..

i decided i had to get my focus back..i had to do something..i cant keep this up or i will be gaining all my weight back..i dont want i decided if i couldnt walk tonight because it was supposed to rain but it i said to myself..i have to workout..i have to walk or or the other..i had to get moving..i had too..i dont want to die early..i dont want to feel so overly fat that i cant move..or feel so awful that i end up with shortness of breath and not being able to walk..i dont want too...i really dont..

so i started out good..i started out focused and counting every calorie that i put in my mouth..i didnt drink my water though..for some reason i cant get started drinking it again..but i counted and did pretty good..i had around 1350 in calories..i was so happy..i did better than the last few days..

but i went to work today and had my grilled chicken go wraps..and then tonight the snickers bars kept calling my name..boy i wish my uncle hadnt put those candy bars over at my stand..they call my name every day..but i looked the other way and ate a piece of beef jerky was good..i decided i needed to go i went out and walked around the stand..a little boy kept watching me walk and looking at me like i was crazy..i was walking around in circles..but i didnt care..i felt good walking tonight..i did 20 minutes without was fun..

so today i did better and i will continue to do better day by day..i have to take it one day at a time..thats all i onto tomorrow and another better day..
lets all focus on the good stuff..

Monday, September 6, 2010

the weekend is over..

this is my cousin brittany and she makes all this jewelry..she is really good..

labor day is over now..were into september and hopefully cooler weather..i really cant wait..i love the fall and all the fall colors ..i enjoy walking in the is so much nicer outside..i have chosen to just not watch anything today..for some reason..i really dont know why but i did..

im not sure what is going on that i am not watching things clearly right now..but i am thinking about it and trying to figure it out for myself..i have been on my sisters computer all day trying to fix it and get it from freezing all the time..i didnt go walk tonight..i just dont know why..i want to do this but for some reason this weekend i just havent put my effort into it..

on saturday i went to see my cousins jewelry and she is making some new kind of jewelry which is really cool..its called the calorie counting bracelet and you wear it on your wrist and it has a charm that you can pick out..and you move it for every 50 to 100 calories move it up from the heart in the middle..i have one and it does really help you focus on your calories..i was using it the other day and just kept moving it didnt like that but i was eating that much..
this is the link to it if you would like to look at it and maybe order some..they are very pretty and they would make really nice gifts for girls and, and
both very nice know Christmas is coming up.. she is a very talented young lady even if she is my cousin..hehe
but go check her out..

i will do better this week..i know i cant keep thinking everything is going to be okay tomorrow unless i do something tomorrow which is today..and for some reason i just didnt have it in me to do it today..i hope i will feel better when i awake..

Saturday, September 4, 2010

well i made my choice today..

me and my mamma at cici's...and my cousins with their mamma..
brittany makes the jewelry..its very pretty..i will tell you all about it soon..

today was a day where we went and had different choices to make considering food..we started the day getting up late ..but its saturday so i guess its okay..well this is the day we were going to have hot dogs and popcorn and cotton candy at work..we had regular pop and all we were trying to do was get the snocone stand started like a re-grand opening...anyway i didnt have to work this whole weekend which isnt what i wanted but it was nice anyway..well we went to see the whole thing at the stand and get a hot dog..i wasnt going to get the pop..i think as a pop addict..i really need to keep myself completely away from pop..its too addictive and i cant afford the calories..

well i had 2 cans of pop..not something i needed to do but i did it anyway..i ended up with a hot cotton candy that was good..but we then went to cici's pizza so we had pizza and brownies and i had salad..and i had regular pop..i had so many calories tonight i didnt even want to count was my choice..i didnt have to eat the food..i didnt have to drink the pop..i didnt have to eat the hot dog..

i ate so much today i made myself sick..not good..really not good..but i am not going to do this tomorrow..i am not going to drink the pop tomorrow..i will not eat like a pig tomorrow..i really did too..i didnt eat tons..but i felt like it..

anyway i am going to walk tomorrow and drink my water tomorrow..i will do so much better tomorrow..i will not fall off tomorrow..and i didnt fall off tonight..i made the choice to do it..i knew what i was doing..i made my choice..thats it and now i am living with it..

i was going to walk tonight but it just got too late and too dark when we came i will make myself walk tomorrow..

have a great day tomorrow and make good choices..i am going too..
enjoy the weekend..

Friday, September 3, 2010

well its been 6 months and im doing pretty good..

the beautiful lake i want to walk soon..

well i was just thinking as i was walking my mile and half tonight...i have actually been blogging for 6 6 months i have done pretty good..i have went from weighing 330 to weighing 296..and i have went from not being able to walk except by a cane and barely able to walk around the block to walking 2 and a half miles at a time..i have gone completely off the pop ..and thats a major thing for i tell ya getting off of dr.pepper is so much a victory..

i have gone from not drinking any water to drinking 72 ounces of least most days..hehe..but i am doing so much better..this is such a big thing for me..i still havent kicked the fast food..but im working on it..i have learned and realized that its up to me to make good choices..its my choice everyday ..i can make good choices or bad choices..i can be healthy or i can die early..i have learned so much in 6 months..i have figured it out that i am responsible for me..for my actions and my decisions in life whether its about the things i eat and the exercise i get or if its about what i do in life..its up to me..good or bad..i go thru it ...

i have so much more to lose and so much more to learn..i just keep going until i cant go anymore..this is a lifestyle change..not a diet..its a mentality thing..its all in how much we want to change..if we want it bad enough..we will do our best to change..its all about our choices..

i think the most important thing i have learned is its about my choice..i make the choice to change my life ..i make the choice to do better..if i dont well then thats my choice too..but now i am going towards the next 6 months and i know i will be learning a whole lot more..right now i am going for my goal of 290 by the end of this month..i know i will get there..because its my choice to do better..and i am ..

this has been a fun day..we had our 4th of july fireworks tonight and they were pretty..we enjoyed them...i got in 1300 calories and i walked after the fireworks and did a mile and a half in 30 i am pretty much on track for doing 3 miles an hour..i want to walk boomer lake so bad..but i want to be able to walk the whole 3 miles so i have to get better...

i still made the bad choice of not drinking my i didnt drink very much diet pop but i did drink some...i had a bite of a snocone today and it started my eyes and head again..just a bite..i couldnt believe it...i am going to the doctor as soon as i can and be checked for diabetes..

well its getting late so i am getting off..have a good night and good weekend..
enjoy the weekend and be safe..

Thursday, September 2, 2010

i had a good day of good choices..

you can sure see the difference 60 pounds my appearance and my smile..

well today i went to work this afternoon..after i had been up several hours already..but i had not eaten very much today and so when i went to work i did buy 2 tacos from taco bueno and thought okay this will allow me to not look at the candy..

okay so i didnt crave the candy..i really didnt want to feel like i did last night..i wanted to feel good ..not like i was going blind..well tonight i did have a single dip of sherbert..web md said that diabetics can have sherbert..but i dont know..i ate it and now i feel like i did last eyes are going dim..and they hurt..

i wasnt able to walk tonight just simply because of the rain and the fact i wasnt here most of the tomorrow i will walk and make sure i get all my water in..i have had a good day..i was so pleased to find myself not craving the sugar..being as strong as i was about it all and not getting into it..maybe i can whip this craving for sugar and chocolate soon..

i feel so small even though i know i have along way to go..but i am really feeling it now..i am under 300 and going down even clothes are getting big on me and it feels so good to be in big clothes now..cause when i bought them they were just right..hehe..but i know i will get to my goal of will take me some time..but everything worth it does...

i am starting to see changes in my face and thats a neat thing..i cant wait to see what i will look like around christmas...that will be nice..

my choices today were better..i ate 1320 calories
i didnt walk but will tomorrow..
i didnt drink all my water but i will tomorrow..
i didnt eat any candy bars..yay for me..

my mood is good and positive..yea for me
i think the positive moods really help with how we make the choices in our matter what choice we are making..if its something positive then its going to be a good choice..

so lets make tomorrow a good day for us all..
make good choices and stay positive..