well i think i better try water...

this is some of the nature i have been looking at lately...pretty fall colors..

i have had a day of being so swollen i could barely get my feet into my shoes..i dont know what happened..but the shoes wouldnt go on my feet today..i have had a really bad day with the legs being as swollen as they are...if i had known that my life would be like this...i just dont think i would have gained all that weight...i gained back some weight lately and now i cant get through areas i could before..this is something i have got to get off..i am feeling so bad again and my legs are becoming swollen like before..what has happened to me that i just lost it...i just fell apart like i didnt care anymore...

i have been getting so many people telling me that water really works for the legs..and i know it would..i just have this slight fear about water...i almost drowned as a kid and i just cant stand water anymore...i was even terrified when i got baptized..lol but i have decided i need to do the water..i need to jump in head first and do it..i need to for my poor legs..i know my legs would be so much better if i would be in water part of the time..i know it would help me lose the weight too..i just have to do it and not think about it..

if i hadnt had reg..pop i would have done okay with the watching..we went to cicis today but i had salad ..the only thing is i had a brownie and a cinnimon roll too plus pop...but i have made up my mind that if i go there again..i will only have salad..you can just buy the salad bar..and that is what i will do.. i came home and layed down and put my legs up but they are still swollen up..so now i have switched rooms with my brother to lay down on a bed..and put them up all night..maybe that will help...i hope so..

i have to get back to the way i was going before..i was losing and doing so well and then all of a sudden it just stopped and i found myself gaining it back..i cant do this anymore..but i have not had anymore hate email ..and i really dont think this person is going to send me anymore..i think this person just snapped all of a sudden and then realized what she did...but i will always forgive ..its just my nature..

i will not have anyone tell me how to go about my life and if i am bothering this person with the way i look or the pictures i take then this person can look the other way..they dont have to see me or my pictures...but i do think i will check this water aerobics out...that would be good for me and my legs...lol

well tomorrow is going to be a better day because i am gong to make it that way..
i am going to watch it better and try and walk outside..i have to do this again..
have a good night..
kelli

well this has been a weekend..

this was our homecoming parade this weekend..and getting my mom and brother to go with me and my sister was quite the miracle in itself..so here are pictures of that day..it was fun..oh there is one picture here that is me and my cousins..and our mothers...we are first cousins..just a few of us here..i have alot of cousins..




here is the birthday boy..he turned a big 39 on saturday and we celebrated on sunday because he went to the homecoming game...without us...lol but it was fun..

well i know i havent been on here for a while..i have been having a bad weekend besides having 2 people in my family die within 3 days apart..we now have 2 funerals to attend..one is over with and the other one is this coming week..so watching my weight is something i havent been able to do very well lately...but then i have had some hate email the last couple of days that has really bothered me..i honestly do not know who this person is ...but it has bothered me that someone dislikes me so much that they would be as hurtful as this person was...

we all want to be liked and being liked is something i guess i was always insecure about..i couldnt see someone not liking me ..i try and be the nicest person i can and this person could not see how nice i really am and the kind of heart i have..

i need to stop thinking about this because it just makes it hurt more...i am trying to get back to watching the weight because i know i need too...i know if i dont i will be just the same as killing myself and for me i really dont need that...i havent felt like doing much of anything since this email and i need to stop letting this person have control like this..i need to let God take care of it and leave it alone....

i have been trying to eat alot of salads and trying to stay away from food i dont need..lately i just havent had a lot of luck with any of it ..frankly i just havent tried that hard..i dont know how to do this blogging anymore.i dot even feel like it..i know that this is my personal story of my ups and downs and its not supposed to be anything but my accountability to weight loss..but i am a very personable person..i get things out in the open..there isnt anything i dont mind talking about..thats just me, and if it helps someone else then i have done good by it..i like helping others, i always have..if i can i will..the first thing for me right now is to help myself..i need to help me by concentrating on getting back to walking and getting my self power back...i lost it the other night when i let this other person take it...

this person talked about how bad my teeth were and how sick they were of me taking pictures all the time and being pictures of me..and talked about my geriatric family and how this world doesnt revolve around me and my family...then they talked about how i cant get a man or even keep a man...how i put too much out there for people to see ...well i am putting it out there for you all to see..i am telling you all this so you will understand how awful i have felt this weekend..this is just a portion of the email..they also talked about how disrespectful i was by taking pictures at my cousins before service..at the park..it wasnt during the funeral it was at the park..
ther eis so much more in this email and i know i need to leave it behind me..i told the person i would accept the appology and i am going to have to and leave it alone..this person sounds like a lady and so i will say she said she was having problems with her parents and took it out on me...well whoopi do..we all have problems with people and we dont go crazy on someone else over it..

anyway i guess i will leave it here..i know she reads this blog because this was another problem she had with me..so if you dont like me then go away..you dont have to read about my life or look at my pictures..all of this is my business..not anyone elses...

i hope you all have a good week..i dont know when i will be on here again..maybe tomorrow maybe not..i dont know..
goodnight all
kelli

hi i am feeling better

my cousin ronnie when he was a boy..he was 51 ..

i know i was just getting started again and then poof..i got sick..i have been down for 4 days with a migraine headache..oh my its been bad..the light the noise..the people walking around..oh the swirling ..now i am making myself sick again..lol

this has been a really bad weekend...i got to where i was about to throw up and ate hardly anything..i think i did get some calories in but not all the calories i needed...but i am trying to get better now..i am still on the verge but it hopefully it wont happen..

tonight as i was trying to feel better we got news that my cousin had died this evening..we didnt even know he was this sick...he had moved to another city and didtnt tell anyone where he was..i guess one of our cousins found out and kept in touch the last few months..but he was only 51 and was a close cousin with my brother being the same age range..

but i am trying to get my focus back to feeling good and then onto losing this weight..it has to come off..i am just glad i am not around the candy bars anymore..man they were such a tempting thing to have around..and we never sold them so they were just there day after day...

now i have just got to get to a job that doesnt have food around all the time..i hope i can find one like that..looking for work is not fun..very stressful..
well i think i will go back to bed..i am floating today from all the meds i am taking for the migrine..i even got a shot and took 3 pills..i sure hope it goes completely away...

talk to you tomorrow
kelli

its getting easier again..

i dont want to look this way again..my picture now is the purple but i will not look like i did before ever again..


today has been a good day despite the fact that we had a earthquake with a magnitude of 5.1 ..it was actually felt around here and that is something that never happens..but its beginning to be different weather for the whole world so who knows what tomorrow is going to bring...

anyway we are okay and everyone is doing good..this was a good day mentally too..i knew i just cant say i am going to do something and do it for 1 day and get off of it..i knew i couldnt do that..if i am going to get healthy and lose this weight ..then i am going to keep doing this til it all comes off..one night isnt going to do it..i got up today and ate the plain yogurt with cinnimon and a banana and it kinda made me sick but it was good anyway...then we went for our ride..for some reason i dont want my mom to get so confused about things that she gets scared..she knows we go everyday and for her she thinks we are supposed to go everyday..now for me i dont have to leave this house everyday..but we do even if its just to ride around..but today my sister wanted to go to ci ci 's and they have a buffet there that is really cheap right now and actually next week is going to be even cheaper..

BUT its the buffet that has the brownies and the cinnimon rolls and the pizza..and i normally cant control myself when i am there..i always end up getting at least 3 brownies and cinnimon rolls and i always get the dr.pepper in the big cups..32 ounces. this is not a good place for me..

but i decided that if i was going in there i wasnt getting the buffet..only the salad bar..this way i couldnt get the brownie or the pizza ..and i only got a small drink and ended up drinking tea without sweetners..so i had 2 plates of salad and tea...that was it ..didnt get one brownie or roll..no sweets at all..i did good..i watched the other people around me stuffing themselves and not realizing it..lol

i like this pizza place because of the nice manager and the salad bar is really good ..and cheap..but the strength of passing up the brownies and the cinni rolls when i could easily have gotten some was the greatest part of that visit..to know i can go in there and be okay with just getting salad and having tea is quite the miracle in itself..i know for a fact that God is giving me strength to keep going on this journey...He has to be..because i just havent had it for myself lately..

when we came home and i ate some mixed veggies and some green pepper ..i then made a bowl of sugar free chocolate pudding..my mom can eat that and that seemed to be something we all liked..i had never actually made it so i learned something new tonight too..that was good stuff..
after that i went out and walked ..i did as much as i could do..i walked almost a mile around the park and then my legs were really giving out on me..so i did about 25 minutes tonight..a little more everyday..so today has been good and my mentality about the food is really starting to work just like sean says..i am watching my carbs and my calories and iam walking..now onto the water ..maybe that will be tomorrow..whoohoo what a difference a few days make in a persons mind...

have a wonderful thursday..
kelli

well today is a more focused day than before..

okay this is the food my sister and i fixed today..it is a start for us..were both so used to going to wendys or charlies chicken and getting our meal there that it is a change for us all to fix anything at home..but we did today and it was good..

we are going to start fixing our meals here..if we go out to sit down ..at least i am not eating there..my sister ate a side salad which looked good..and my mom ate her mashed potatoes like she always does..but i just sat there with them..i had a drink and i am going to have to figure out what kind of drink from now on..because having a diet coke is just as bad as having a regular coke except for the calories..but all the sweetners in it is so bad for us..

well i got up to yogurt and a banana today and had tomatoes at wendys then when we got home we fixed the meal which just doesnt take long to fix ..we had grilled chicken and mixed veggies and cranberry sauce and then had some salad food for us..i am pretty sure i have gotten close to 1200 calories ..i know i havent gone over which is what i like ..then this evening i went out and walked for 20 minutes ..my legs are so swollen right now that its hard for me to walk very long at a time..my right leg is twice as big as my left leg again..its really worrying me but if i just get out there and walk every night..my legs will go down..i know they will..they did before..

so today has been a lot better day than before ...i am so glad ..for some reason i dont feel so good mentally right now but i know i will be fine..i have God on my side and that is all i need..

i sure hope you all are having a great day today..thank you all for being on my side with me to support me through this tough time with the weight loss..i appreciate you all..

kelli

i feel fat..

me when i was 15 and me and sean with my dad when we were little..

i really feel fat today..i feel like i have gained all my weight back and now i have to start all over again..i just dont know how to keep doing this..i feel lost right now..everyone i know has been trying their hardest to get me back on track ..nobody wants me to die..i dont want too either, but i just dont know how to do this..i feel so lost..like i have wandered into the woods instead of being on the main highway to weightloss central....lol

i have been off the pop today..dont think i did badly on the calories but i dont think i did extremely well..i didnt walk and walking seems to be the hardest thing for me to do right now..i dont know why..i was really going after it for a while..and now i cant walk without my legs swelling really badly and hurting just to walk..i dont even feel like doing these blogs much anymore..i think i have really hit bottom on this and i dont know how to get back up..i really have too ..i keep remembering my doctor told me i had no choice..that if i didnt do something now i wouldnt be here when i am fifty.. well 50 is not too far away..i really just have to do this..i have to start watching the calories and not making this such a mountain..

im just tired and i just dont know how to keep going ..even though i know i have to keep going..i did go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago..he did some blood tests and they came up that i am anemic and have to take iron and a vitamin..he didnt know what was causing the blood in the urine but it has stopped now..so i am not sure myself either..thank you all for the concern..

i hope you have a good monday..
kelli

well i need motivation..

this flower bloomed yesterday at our house..a late bloomer like me..lol

i need some motivation ya all..im not sure how to get it together again..i started doing something today..i wont say i did great because i didnt..but i did okay..i took the first step..i stayed off of the regular dr.pepper..that is the first thing for me..my sister did okay too..she is getting hers back as well..

but today i dont know what it was but i decided i had to take the first step again..i wont say that i wont fall off again but i hope i dont..i dont need too..i have done nothing but eat what i wanted and drink pop for 2 weeks straight and probably longer than that..i know in the last 6 weeks i have gained back 13 pounds..not a good thing..really isnt..this is the first step back again..i will try again and again til i get it..i am not giving up on it because i need to be healthy and stay alive for me and my family.. what is your motivation everyone..? i need to be alive and be healthy..what gets you moving in the morning..?

so this is the first day to forever.....

enjoy your night..
kelli