Wednesday, May 12, 2010
not the weighday i wanted..
me and my brother/nephew sean..his blog is awesome and so is he..
well today was a day of more storms but not around here..i was so glad..yesterday was not the best day for oklahoma..but were okay and most of us are used to this weather..its still scary when it happens..well this morning was my friends funeral, but for some reason i just couldnt make myself go to it...i knew early on i couldnt do it..i kept thinking about her all day and kept wishing i had gone but it was almost like a panic attack, i remember having one of those when i was in school 20 years ago and had to give my last speech and just couldnt make it ..i ended up failing the class because of the panic attack..it wasnt fun to go through..and today it started to feel that way..i guess i was just nervous..my nerves have not been the best lately and i just get all emotional around these things..so i thought about her all day..
but this afternoon i went and weighed and saw on the scales what i didnt want to see..i went back to 309 and i wasnt pleased..but i am there and all i can do is keep going...i have to get past this 300 mark..i have too..i know it is probably the peanut butter that i have been eating and the ice cream instead of the yogurt and not walking the past 2 days..so tonight i walked..when we got home i walked..i only did a mile but i tellya a mile felt like a couple of miles...it felt like i was starting all over again..i had only been away from it for 2 days and it felt like i was carrying heavy weight all over again..i dont like that feeling..i did make it in 20 minutes though..i did a mile in 20 minutes not bad for me..
i kept a strict count on my calories tonight and i started to drink my water again..this is what i have to do to really get this weight off..iam going to do it now and nothing is going to interrupt my focus..i watched the biggest loser tonight and they are something..of course they havent lost as much as my own nephew has but they have done well for themselves and they dont even realize it..sean has been the biggest inspiration for me...i see how he is always positive and upbeat and how he sincerely wants to help people with this problem we all have..he is a very special brother..i have several brothers ..one is my own brother but iam close to all my nephews and even some friends and my cousins, all my family seems to be pretty close..its a nice feeling to be like that..
iam not happy with the weight iam at but all i can do about it now, is keep going..i have to move forward and get stricter with everything and no slacking with the calories..i went and saw my friend tonight and he was eating his supper..he had a big sandwich and doritos..my favorite chip..so i sat there and watched him eat this supper and i drank my water..i couldnt believe it..i didnt even get into his bag of chips..i used to but not now..iam so glad i am in control of all of it..its nice to have that feeling..i know one day i am going to be 130 pounds and not even want to go back to being this way again..i know that because i want it now..its in me now to do this..i didnt want it bad enough before or i would have stuck to it..and not made excuses as to why i couldnt do it..
i feel good even being this small and it is far from being small..but today i had to open up the stand, and that means i have to put out about 10 to 12 balloons everywhere..so i used to do this but i felt awful getting in and out of the stand at 356 pounds..it wasnt easy..now today i just zip in and out of there like nothing at all..its very easy for me now..i felt good getting out there and walking around putting out the balloons..i was 47 pounds slimmer..and a whole different mentality...
and then tonight, as i went to see my friend i was able to sit in a chair he has at his job and feel good in it..i mean i felt good.i wanst too big for it and it wasnt snug either..so iam losing something its just now i have to get those 9 pounds back off and get going with the rest..just keep going forward..thats all i can do..!
i better go to bed..last therapy session in the morning..hooray!
i do feel better in these hose..if i can just keep them up..
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR THE CONCERNS ABOUT THE TORNADO..IT WAS A FRIGHTENING DAY..
have a great tomorrow..