Friday, March 19, 2010
well it is a good day everyday if you look at it like that!
i have had a couple of days that would usually make me stressed out..a flat always and then taking it to another station to get another tire on when we dont have the money in the first place..i would be eating candy bars and drinking pop, and doing whatever to make me feel comfort from something..i know iam going to do this now, because i have made up my mind too do it..i look at everything as a choice..i can get out of bed feeling good and having a smile on my face, or i can get out of bed with a frown and grouchy and never feel good at all..iam trying to go thru the emotions that has caused me to be this heavy for so long..
i remember being a heavy kid but was never tooo big..i weighed in at 150 in high school and ended up being 200 by the time i was 20..then by the time i was 26 i was 300 and trying to go on the pondimum and phen phen pill..and i did lose 75 pounds then, but had a heart problem to go along with it..i was on it for 6 months and had to get off..then i gained everything back and then some..so i was 30 and 300 pounds and just kept blooming..i got to 356 until 2 years ago and i wanted to get the lapband..i was told i would die by the time i was 50 if i didnt do it..well i am almost 42 and hopefully with God at my side i will get it off by the time i am 43 and keep it off..i want to go down to 130 and stay there..i didnt do the lapband because i was losing all the weight on my own..i had lost 45 pounds by the time of the surgery and then the doctor told me he had to cancel it for another month because i didnt have enough potassium and iron in me..so then i decided to just do it myself..i lost the confidence and the focus and just kept maintaining..now iam ready to fight this battle and keep going til i make it..
i am doing so well lately..i did another hour of exercising tonight even with my knees hurting so bad..they really do..but i worked it out tonight..so i was glad of that..i am keeping control of my calories and really getting excited..i want to be 130 by the time i graduate with my bachelors degree...in dec. of next year..that would be awesome..! well today we didnt get charged for the new tire that was put on and that was the blessing..right now we are in a crunch like everyone else is and every dollar counts..so when we get a hold of a blessing then we catch it..lol iam studying to be a psychologist and for some reason i cant explain very well why i stayed the weight i was for so long..maybe it was no confidence, maybe low self esteem..i dont know..i always thought i had plenty of confidence in myself but i guess in myself and about what i look like is two different things..i can sing really well and that is how i became popular in high school..now of course i have a good personality but the first impression is always what the person looks like..how well kept they are..iam a fashion person sometimes but not always..
i guess low self esteem is some of what i have, just simply because of what i look like..i have always thought that a person was supposed to look deep into your heart to get to know you before setting judgement on whether or not they are going to like you..but being realistic, every person whether they want to admit it or not looks at the appearance of a person first..i guess i am guilty too..but i try to get to know the person regardless of what they look like..i look at the heart, and i think everyone should do that..
i guess i am just trying to figure me out...i suppose thats why it is called a journey..it just keeps going and never ends..maybe one day it will be a better journey ahead..i hope you all have a wonderful friday..and i will talk to you again tomorrow..
GOD BLESS YOU