Friday, April 23, 2010

a journey to a new life..really?




this was me a year and a half ago with my former fiance..and now friend..and the other picture is me today..

hey ya all its friday and i didnt walk today..i know its bad i didnt do it..but my legs were hurting so i couldnt..my legs are wrapped so tightly this weekend, that its hard to even walk regular much less power walk..hehe i have had a pretty good day..i have stayed on my calories and dont feel hungry or deprived about anything..

we sat at wendys and talked with my moms cousin tonight..and we were there for like 3 hours..just talking and listening to how hard her life was back when she was younger..she is my moms age so it was a while ago.she is a very interesting person and has lived quite a life..

i have been thinking too much tonight..maybe its because i didnt go walking..didnt get my emotions out like i usually do..but tonight i have just been thinking about how come im not married, and wishing i was..why am i not married..? im a pretty lady..im a good girl..im almost 42 and all i really wanted out of life when i was young..was to become a wife and mother..of course i wanted to be an actress and singer.that was a given with me..but deep down i just wanted to be a wife and a mom to some kids who might look like me some ..and have my singing voice..i just wanted what every girl wants..a nice husband and a cute little kid..

i suppose one day that might happen..at least the nice husband part..i am really too old to think of the cute little kid..i could adopt i guess..i always thought i would if i needed too..i live in a college town and you would think i would be able to meet people..but i take care of my mom and stay at home with everyone, i never know how to go out and meet anyone...i was engaged once and he is my friend now..he and i kinda rushed things and it was just too fast for both of us..but we are becoming good friends..he has been my therapist tonight..he has some good advise..i guess i just need to get out and meet people..im just not a person to get out and do things anymore..

i think i might join a gym soon and kill two birds with one stone so to speak..hehe i need to start working on my strength and doing the treadmill would be a good thing for me..i need to focus on my weight and getting my legs in shape instead of wondering why i am not married..i guess i need to stop worrying..when its time hopefully i will be ready..

i was thinking about the title a journey to a new life..is this really going to be a new life..? or is this the same life we are having just a little slimmer body..i know its all mental..we need to understand why we did the things to our body that caused us to be heavy..so i guess it is a journey to a new life..hopefully we can claim a new life when we get to the goal we are going after..is my life going to be different when i reach 130..? am i going to feel better about myself..or am i going to still be the same shy person i am today that doesnt know how to go out and meet people..will the confidence be something that is in me naturally, or am i going to become self centered because i am now a small person..i dont know..i think about this alot..how am i going to be affected by all the changes that will occur when i am small and still single..and is this new man liking me for me or 130 pounds ..sometimes i dont know if its a good journey to a new life or not..i know i will be much healthier and if i dont do this i wont be here long..but i just hope the mental aspects of it arent too great ..i hope i dont get totally depressed because nothing is happening to me and iam slim..i tend to be depressed at times..i think tonight is one of those nights..i just think too much..and then i cry..its just me..

i know one day God will allow the right man to be around..i just need patience..maybe i am supposed to get in good health before that happens..i guess i need too anyway..thanks for listening to me..have a good night..
GOD BLESS YOU ALL
KELLI

7 comments:

  1. hey kelli,
    The one thing i noticed is that I started changing as i lost weight.
    Yes, I did become a little more self centered. To the extent that I was making myself a priority and saying no to others demands occasionally. Because when it comes right down to it, the only thing you really own is your time and how you use it.
    As you lose weight you will start asking these questions. When you start asking these questions is about the time you need to start answering them. Don't wait till you get to goal to start living.
    START NOW.
    You like to sing.
    Are you in a choir at church?
    Is there an opportunity in Children's ministry for you to teach the kids singing?
    And absolutely you could adopt.
    I used to be terrified of putting myself out there.
    That is why I volunteered to be a girl scout troop leader.
    That first meeting, standing in front of all those parents...I was embarrassed and sweaty, uncertian...I fought through it.
    It scared the h*ll out of me.
    Now, I do it and it feels natural.
    Don't let yourself be the same person.
    If you can lose the weight and change yourself physically.
    You can change yourself mentally.
    YOU CAN DO IT.
    Look at what you have done already.
    That is what this weight loss journey gives you, the knowledge that you can change anything if you put your mind to it and apply yourself.
    I know you can, you have so much to offer, it would be a shame if you didn't get out there and give it a go.
    I am rooting for you.

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  2. thanks chris..iam just so down tonight..thank you so much..i used to sing in church.but not the one i go to now..i used to teach music too at the other church i went too..in my other life..hehe but thank you for rooting for me..i loveya,kelli

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  3. You can be who you want to be...I'm learning that right this moment. While I still think I'm much much larger than I actually am, I'm finding that no...I'm "normal" now. I'm considering things that would have been ridiculous to consider before...things that simply weren't "me", like rock climbing. I know that these were the kinds of things that I might have fantasized about doing, but now I get that shot.

    There are many inherent elements of my personality that will never change...but the kind of life that I want to live has all new possibilities.

    Count on it...if you want it.

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  4. Remember---a solid 365 for you. You are the most important thing right now---getting your health back will enable you to enjoy whatever life has ahead.
    Don't allow anything to creep in and steal this away from you Kelli.
    I understand about the leg issues keeping you inside. Sometimes, you just have to concentrate on the immediate health issue---and if that means missing your walk today---it's fine---you stayed within your calorie budget, and that's awesome.

    But staying inside doesn't mean filling up on thoughts and emotions that bring you down into depression.
    Have you ever sat and day dreamed about what it will be like at 150? How you'll feel? How it will positively effect your life? Singing and acting is very important to you---and it doesn't have to be a thing of the past.
    Did you know I had such a passion for acting too? You probably didn't prior to my dramatic weight loss---But it was something I wanted to do---and always knew, like you, that I had the talent inside to do it.
    Think about that. Your life as a thin adult---singing, acting, and yes---even meeting someone special---falling in love, and raising a child.
    Don't spend so much time thinking about what isn't in your life---rather, think about what is----and what is...is a wonderful opportunity you've given yourself to change and to live, really live---for the first time in your life.
    You're getting there Kelli. Stay positive, never lose your grip on those beautiful motivating thoughts you hold, and realize---that you have a tremendous power within to achieve real happiness in your life...You really do.
    I love you sis---Perhaps we'll act together in a production one day---talk about a triumph of dreams, right?

    Love,

    Your dear nephew

    Sean

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  5. {{{{{Hugs for Kelli}}}}}

    Such wonderful and true advice, especially from Chris and Sean... can't add a thing, so won't even try.

    I truly believe in your success.
    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  6. I really love your bold honesty. It takes a lot of courage to put your innermost feelings out there in a blog. With that show of courage I feel that you can obtain your goal of losing the amount of weight you need to lose. The future husband will just be the bonus!!! Someday your Prince will come....you must believe that.

    Margie M. writes at:
    www.myhealthylivingthruweightcontrol.blogspot.com

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  7. Love your honesty!!! Love your true to yourself!! There is a PERFECT match out there for you!!

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